Jenifer James
Aug 07, 2023

Raindrops bounce piano notes

The city
Shimmers in water,
Taxis plashing through rain,

I squat
Beneath an umbrella,
Soaked, puddle gazing,

Anonymous men,
Suits, identical raincoats,
Grunt their displeasure

At the weather,
Pausing
In an inadequate bus stop

For shelter,
Raindrops bounce piano notes
onto their shoes.

I watch cloud waste
Hurtle down drains,
Choking with coffee cups,

Tissues,
Spilled curry,
Thrumming with water.

I remember the drought.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I miss the rain. here on the South East coast of Australia, we are going back into drought. I miss the sound of it, the smell of it. And I hate the waste of it, when it does rain.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: nsw, australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Too many influences

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Raindrops bounce piano notes" effectively uses vivid imagery and sensory details to create a richly textured portrait of a rainy city scene. The use of specific details such as "taxis plashing through rain," "identical raincoats," and "cloud waste hurtle down drains" helps to immerse the reader in the scene and evoke a strong sense of place.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of rhythm and meter. The varying line lengths and inconsistent rhythm can make the poem feel disjointed and disrupt the flow of the narrative. Experimenting with a more consistent rhythm could help to create a more cohesive and fluid reading experience.

The metaphor of "Raindrops bounce piano notes into their shoes" is particularly striking and effective. It blends the sensory experiences of sound and touch in an unexpected way, creating a memorable image that captures the essence of the poem's theme.

The final line, "I remember the drought," introduces a new idea that could be further developed. As it stands, it feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the poem. Providing more context or elaboration could help to integrate this idea more seamlessly into the poem and enhance its overall impact.

The poem's use of language is generally effective, but there are a few instances where the choice of words could be improved. For example, the phrase "grunt their displeasure" feels somewhat awkward and could be rephrased for clarity and fluidity.

Overall, the poem demonstrates a strong command of imagery and sensory detail, but could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and further development of its themes.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Hello,Jenifer,
This is so vivid - I can hear the rain on the pavement and in the puddles, and see the activity in the street. Your final line brings about a wonderful pause and changes the direction of thought. Hopefully, you'll get rain soon.
Thank you,
L

J

I need to play with this one a bit more - it's not there yet. I like its bones - but it's annoying me a bit. I really appreciate your nurturing comments - always so warm. Thank you!

Ruby Lord

I love the way you balance the noise, litter, and movement in this poem, with such a stark and yet magnificent ending, the drought. It says so much about nature and how we take the rain as an inconvenience to our busy lives. Brilliant, Ruby :)

Geezer

Your language use is very good.
I like the three line format, it gives a chance to absorb the full meaning of each thought.
There is a abrupt shift, I think could be fixed with a change in the line: "For shelter"
If you said, "In this shelter." and [onto] shoes, might make better sense. I love the theme
This flowed smoothly from beginning to end and reminds me a lot of Haiku. The ending line is particulary
good and gives the whole thing a different perspective, as one would certainly remember not having enough water
and now having so much that one might be tempted to try and save it for another drought. Very nice! ~Geezer.