Two moons went astray
Finding each other that fateful day
Drawn together in parallel
The sky parted in wonder lust
Just to make way
Chasing her amongst the stars
Suddenly he drifted afar
Leaving her to cry
Molten tears of bitterness
And why just why
Her tears turned to fire
Rage overtook desire
Lightening flashed
Electric orbs of rejection
Pelted and smashed
Once everything had turned to ash
The once beautiful moon wept
Thoughts of tomorrow
Encompassed by sorrow
She was the only one left
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Two Moons" utilizes metaphor and personification to convey a narrative of love, loss, and grief. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved.
1. Consistency in Metaphor: The metaphor of the two moons is a powerful image, but it becomes slightly confusing when stars and lightning are introduced. It might be more effective to stick to one celestial metaphor throughout the poem to maintain consistency and clarity.
2. Rhythm and Meter: The rhythm of the poem is somewhat inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. Consider revising the lines to have a more consistent meter, which can enhance the musicality of the poem and make it more engaging to read.
3. Show, Don't Tell: The line "Rage overtook desire" tells the reader what the moon is feeling, but it might be more impactful to show this emotion through imagery or action. For example, you could describe the moon's actions in a way that conveys its rage and desire.
4. Clarity of Narrative: The narrative of the poem becomes slightly unclear in the third and fourth stanzas. It might be helpful to provide more context or explanation for why the moon is crying and why the other moon drifted away.
5. Use of Language: Some phrases, such as "wonder lust" and "electric orbs of rejection", are somewhat ambiguous and might confuse the reader. Consider revising these phrases to make their meaning clearer.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Do you mean...
she was the only one left? Yeah... It sucks when you have things all set for a happy ending and then it crashes and burns.
Sorry you hurt, maybe things will change tomorrow, hey they changed from yesterday right? ~ Geez.
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Things do change daily
Maybe the other moon will find it's way back or she will find happiness in another galaxy. Thank you for your comment and positive spin.
I read this and saw the dawn
I read this and saw the dawn of time, the big bang, the creation of the universe, not in a biblical sense, but that old story has a place somewhere in our psyche? I loved your references to volcanoes as a means to highlight the era before time began. This is perfect, "Molten tears of bitterness" it is a beautiful way to describe the action. Loved it, Ruby :)
Thank you Ruby
I always enjoy your feedback and am glad you were able to visualize the poem. I am trying to be more descriptive.
You're welcome, you made it
You're welcome, you made it easy with this poem, well thought through and the delivery was epic. Ruby :)