My eyes, my eyes; how they hypnotize!
Our father’s eyes; my eyes!
It’s all about my eyes!
Is it him you see when you look at me?
Twisted thoughts that should never be
It’s all about my eyes!
Our mother, our mother! A witch like no other!
Burned you with scalding hot water; the water
Broke your soul, her favorite child; fourth child
Is it her you see when you look at me?
Twisted thoughts that should never be
She’s the one who hurt you, not me!
Brother, my big brother! All I wanted was a brother
Not a predatory monster, how dare you touch me!
Hid me from our father, just like our mother
Blood isn’t thicker than the water
Twisted thoughts that should never be
You are her, not me!
Hush little sister; don’t you tell
Brother’s going to make your life a living hell
If you cry or make a sound; no one will hear you
It’s only us two around
I’m the only man who loves you so
You’ll always be my secret hidden very well
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem is quite intense and deals with heavy themes of abuse and family dysfunction. The narrative is clear and the emotions are raw, which can be very impactful for readers. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.
1. Consistency in Structure: The poem seems to follow a loose structure of six lines per stanza, but this is not maintained consistently. For example, the final stanza has seven lines. Consistency in structure can help to create a rhythm and flow that can enhance the overall impact of the poem.
2. Use of Repetition: Repetition is used effectively in some parts of the poem, such as the repeated line "Twisted thoughts that should never be". However, in other parts, the repetition seems less purposeful and more redundant, such as the repeated use of "my eyes" in the first stanza. It might be beneficial to consider where repetition can be used most effectively to emphasize key points or emotions.
3. Show, Don't Tell: The poem tells the reader directly about the abuse and trauma the speaker has experienced. While this directness can be powerful, it might also be worth considering how to show these experiences more subtly through imagery, metaphor, or other poetic devices. This can create a more nuanced and layered understanding of the speaker's experiences.
4. Language and Tone: The language and tone of the poem are quite raw and direct. While this can be effective in conveying the speaker's pain and anger, it might also be worth considering how to use more varied language and tone to create a more complex emotional landscape. This could include moments of tenderness, regret, or longing, for example, to contrast with the anger and pain.
5. Punctuation: The poem lacks consistent punctuation, which can make it difficult for readers to follow the intended rhythm and emphasis of the lines. Adding punctuation can help to guide the reader through the poem and enhance its overall impact.
6. Trigger Warning: It's commendable that a trigger warning was included given the heavy themes of the poem. However, it might be beneficial to be more specific about the nature of the triggers (e.g., child abuse, sexual abuse) to give readers a clearer idea of what to expect.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Ok AI
I took your suggestion from last time and your still not happy. Why would I show emotions like tenderness and regret when I feel none of that toward this person...only regret I have is finding him as a teenager. There was nothing subtle about the experiences so...why would I send hidden messages in my poem .and I'm sorry the last stanza has an extra line...doesn't mean my whole poem is inconsistent.
Stalker
Oh, Carrie,
So very haunting. I can hear the different voices and feel all the different emotions. This must have been a very hard piece to write, but you've done well. It is extremely powerful.
L
Thank you L
It was the most difficult piece I have written and there have been many that were hard. I wrote one similar earlier on and decided it just wasn't enough. After a year and a half of no contact or attempts to contact, he resurfaced triggering all of this.
So sorry to hear this.
I hope you are safe, and seek help if you need it.
Take care, dear friend.
L
Thanks L
So far he has only created an alias and doesn't think ik that it his him. Unfortunately the internet is a gray area but I will seek help if needed.
Hello Rose
Powerful stuff. Ignore AI it is just an unfeeling machine. Nothing more I can say except this is the most powerful piece I have read on here. Alex
Thank you Alex
I've written on many a tough subject but this was by far the hardest. Thank you for your comment.
Your poem is so powerful. Now
Your poem is so powerful. Now you hold all the power in your words. Take care and stay safe, Ruby :) xx
Thank you Ruby
For your comment and read.
must still be excruciating to
must still be excruciating to live through... I hope scars one day heal enough to be bearable...
much sympathy and compassion...
A.P.
Thank you Alan
It is very difficult and every reoccurrence reminds me of every time before. I hope one day it will all be behind me. Thank you for your comment.
much love, keep safe... A.P.
much love, keep safe...
A.P.
Hi Carrie
Why is it that often the harder it is to write a poem the more power it has. I hope the object of this poem stays far from you
Hi Stan
It does seem the harder the write, the more powerful it is. Like I said...I have written many a difficult poem but this was the hardest. Unfortunately, he only goes away for short intervals and then returns. It never gets any easier.