When fire burns sallow skin,
That is where you go for sin.
High above is heavens way,
Far to reach on the last day.
Upon earth, to speak my name,
I will give you endless blame.
For if my will is to be done,
I am your God, your kingdom come.
And if you say my holy word,
With anger or in fury stirred.
I’ll smite you, the highest power,
Taste my rage, come the hour.
Forget all else, I am the one,
Return to dust, you are undone.
In this life, it is absurd,
To be cursed, in one small word.
Yahweh, Oden, I am the best,
With my church, eternal rest.
If you lapse, you can return,
Pray my word, or you will burn.
In your mind doubt abounds,
Ask yourself, no voice or sounds.
And if your daily bread is done,
I am your God, your kingdom come.
Don’t spit or shout, I’ll leave you out,
I’ve had my fun, my kingdom come.
Man seeks his true advance,
Through prayers, he worships finance.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem appears to explore the theme of religious absolutism, asserting the supremacy of one deity over others. It uses a combination of biblical language and contemporary expressions to create a unique voice.
The poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme. The current structure seems to fluctuate, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. For instance, the second stanza has an AABB rhyme scheme, while the third stanza follows an ABAB pattern. Consistency in this area could enhance the overall reading experience.
The poem's message could be clarified. The speaker's identity is somewhat ambiguous. If the speaker is intended to be a deity, the use of phrases such as "I’ve had my fun" could be reconsidered as they may not align with traditional depictions of divine entities.
The poem could also delve deeper into its exploration of religious absolutism. It mentions several deities but does not fully explore the implications of their inclusion. Further development in this area could add depth to the poem's thematic content.
Finally, the poem could benefit from more vivid and unique imagery. While it does employ some interesting metaphors, such as "fire burns sallow skin," more could be done to paint a vivid picture for the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
I guess...
I'm more prone to superstition than religion, for I would rather believe that a bat flying into my house
means bad luck; than some guy sitting up in the sky, keeping count of all my little sins [and a few big ones]
and lets me know that I'm on the edge everyday, unless I repent. Of course, if I re-sin, I'm always welcome
to come back and confess my backsliding, say a few prayers, and put some more money in the pot, and
I'm probably good. I find it far easier to believe that aliens have messed around with our DNA, didn't like what they got
and wiped it out and tried again. [Numerous times]. Anyway, you set off a whole bunch of thoughts, that I will re-explore.
See: /www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/goddamn
~ Geez.
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As a kid, I was not allowed
As a kid, I was not allowed to say Jesus, don't take the Lord's name in vain and all that. When I married my husband he would say it often, I don't know if this was to wind me up or he just didn't see any offence in it. As I've deprogrammed myself, Jesus, I say it as a form of exclamation and sometimes in frustration but it is the covert control the indoctrination had over me and in my life.
I've read your poem and will read it again. It's impressive. Ruby :)
I wasn't sure...
if I had sent it to you or you had mentioned that you read it before. I think that by whatever name you call them, the scenario is the same.
I would use [where] instead of when for the first line.
[Where] fire burns [your] sallow skin.
Here on Earth, we say that [those] sounds
There are more... but I'm not going to do all the work for you.
I'm sure that you can see what needs to be done.
I'll keep coming back. ~ Geez.
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Hey Geezer,
Hey Geezer,
I appreciate your support and value your opinion, but, you cannot know how I will receive your message.
"There are more... but I'm not going to do all the work for you."
I was probably being picky or tetchy, if that's the right word, but hey we all have faults, imagined or actual. I wouldn't want you to do the work for me, but maybe simply saying it needs more work would have been enough? I don't want to stop you offering suggestions, I know what you do here is hard work, onerous, and for me of great benefit.
I've used my computer to read the poem to me, a practice I shall make a point of doing from now on. I heared the errors and where it needed improvements.
Thanks for your input, I'm sorry if I have been laboured in my response. We all have bad days, maybe yesterday was mine. Ruby :)
No...
the fault is mine. I was having the bad day. As you say, I also have my faults, and I suppose that making a comment like that could be taken that way. I merely meant that I didn't want to do for you, what I know you can do yourself. You have never taken umbrage at anything I've said before this, and in fact been most gracious and accepting while giving me credit for anything I've helped with. Please forgive my faux pas. ~ Geez.
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No problem, take care and
No problem, take care and stay safe, Ruby :)