The moments before I boarded the Greyhound bus,
I did not know those would be the most precious.
The last time I would hold my father’s hand,
Or hear my name across a Walmart floor.
When the door closed my aunt’s prayers carried me through.
I did not know I would lose more than one
each year,
My surrogate mothers would up and just disappear.
At each stop I was losing more than the miles from which I started.
Shedding the cocoon that nestled and nurtured me.
Seasons became colder and Christmas seemed farther away.
Familial ties uncleaved themselves and also it’s meaning over my life.
Faded too quickly and were slippery.
Once lost, it became an unresponsive memory.
Recollection of my country home is cloudy and filled in with the present day city chaos.
Joy once lived, longed, and withered away to the next day.
Comments
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Independence" explores themes of loss, transition, and the fading of familial ties. The imagery and emotions conveyed in the poem are poignant and evoke a sense of longing and nostalgia.
One suggestion for improvement would be to consider incorporating more specific and vivid details to enhance the reader's connection to the experiences described in the poem. For example, instead of mentioning "the Greyhound bus," you could describe the sights, sounds, and smells of the bus station or the feeling of anticipation before boarding. This would help to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the reader.
Additionally, the poem could benefit from further exploration and development of certain ideas. For instance, the line "My surrogate mothers would up and just disappear" is intriguing but could be expanded upon to provide more insight into the speaker's emotions and the impact of these losses on their sense of identity and belonging.
Furthermore, consider experimenting with the structure and form of the poem. This could involve playing with line breaks, punctuation,
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
I've read your back catalogue
I've read your back catalogue of pieces, Tawny.
It seems you are searching for a voice or a head to fit your hat.
Anyways, for me, this one "struck home" so to speak.
Thanks. Obi.