Once upon a time
I was young and free and full of life
It flown out of me like a river in the mountains
Huh, who am I kidding
I was young and alive
And that's all that can be said
My poetry was bleak and full of pain
It was like the tears of the mothers of the slain
Like the wails of the orphans that got left behind
I took the pain from my heart
Thick like blood from slit throats
I turned it into ink
Turned it into art
See I am still here
Singing these age old songs
As long as you can hear the music
Hold on to it
For it's the essence of my life
Hold on to it
And pray for my soul
A. SWANTALALA
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem, titled "Reflections" by A. Swantalala, employs a conversational tone and vivid imagery to convey a sense of nostalgia and introspection. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.
The poem opens with a clichéd phrase, "Once upon a time," which could be replaced with a more original or striking phrase to immediately engage the reader. The abrupt shift in tone from nostalgic to cynical ("Huh, who am I kidding") could be more smoothly transitioned to maintain the poem's flow.
The second stanza is rich with evocative imagery ("tears of the mothers of the slain," "wails of the orphans") that effectively communicates the speaker's past pain. However, the simile "Thick like blood from slit throats" is quite graphic and may not resonate with all readers. Consider revising this line to maintain the emotional intensity without resorting to such violent imagery.
The final stanza, while poignant, could benefit from more specific imagery. The phrases "Singing these age old songs" and "Hold on to it" are somewhat vague and could be replaced with more concrete details to better convey the speaker's message.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter to enhance its musicality. This could be achieved by revising some lines to have a similar number of syllables or stresses.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Reflections
Hello, Trail,
An inspiring poem. You've seen a great deal of sadness, and reflected on it deeply. Thank you for sharing this eye-opening poem.
L