DEATH WOULD NOT WAIT

Thank you for coming, I’m sorry I’ll miss this gathering,
If you know me well, you’d know I didn’t want to quit,
As I’ve said, I am dead, but I sense only you here, and that’s staggering.
Circumstance took his chance, and yes, I did submit.

An eternity of darkness, in this box, it is gravely quiet,
The lid is tight, they screwed it shut, I can never be reborn.
I didn’t notice it at first, but I have created a personal climate.
My fingernails have scratched the lid, tell me how you mourn?

I howled for help, none arrived, my throat it rasps so sore,
Beyond the dark, my sight is gone, can you hear my words meekly?
My feet are freezing, blocks of ice, have they left me in cold store?
In death, I no longer taste the world, I am done, completely.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I was reading another poets work about a funeral, Roger McGough, and came up with this. I've used it as a distraction while I've been working on something else.

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United Kingdom

Favorite Poets: I like Margaret Atwoods poetry and I enjoy her writing. She has a natural ability to make her fiction read like poetry

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Comments

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses a first-person narrative to explore the theme of death and the afterlife. The use of direct address to the reader creates an engaging and immersive experience.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. For instance, the second line of the first stanza has a different rhythm from the rest of the stanza, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. Consider revising this line to better match the rhythm of the surrounding lines.

The poem also uses a variety of sensory descriptions, such as "my throat it rasps so sore" and "my feet are freezing, blocks of ice," which effectively convey the speaker's physical experience. However, the poem could further develop its exploration of the speaker's emotional and psychological state. For example, the speaker could elaborate on the line "I am done, completely" to provide more insight into their feelings about death.

Furthermore, the poem's imagery is sometimes unclear. For example, the line "Circumstance took his chance, and yes, I did submit" is somewhat vague. The poem could benefit from more concrete and specific imagery to clarify its meaning.

Lastly, the poem's use of rhetorical questions, such as "can you hear my words meekly?" and "tell me how you mourn?" effectively engage the reader and provoke thought. However, the poem could further develop these questions to deepen its exploration of the theme of death and the afterlife.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Hey, just imagine Christopher

Hey, just imagine Christopher Lee reciting this !
now wouldn't that be something spooky Ruby ??

I have found that your work is best read as slowly as possible,
Nice one petal !!

Obi.

Hey Obi, how are you, long

Hey Obi, how are you, long time no chat, where you been boy?

Thank you for your comment, yes, Christopher Lee or maybe Vincent Price?
I don't think either are available?

Take care chuck, Ruby :)