professor jinx
Jun 16, 2023

Static

Grey beauty,
Smoke gallops over stone,
Over grave.
This body of mine,
Eternally in harm's way.
Iridescent reflection.
Feathers flutter over leaves,
Over sea.
This mind of mine,
Chained down by reality.
Sweet ringing,
Sound penetrates through sleep,
Through silence.
This soul of mine, a husk
Nothing will ever be quiet.

I am a shell.
Stumbling, crawling
In this concrete, convenient hell.
Bury me sweetly with a bell,
I will call for service
To clear my table

Break this black mirror,
Reach beyond the mess,
I wish I was more,
Then something for eyes to undress.
Break this mould,
Seep and slouch and take up space,
I’d give anything to even be half awake.
Forever, the static is a warm gun.
I am a corpse,
Compost, moss, is all I am worth
I am husk
I am shell
I am compliant
But nothing will ever be quiet.

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: QLD, Australia

Favorite Poets: Dylan Thomas

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Thank you for sharing your poem "Static". Your poem has a dark and melancholic tone that effectively conveys the feeling of being trapped and powerless. The imagery you use is vivid and evocative, particularly in the first stanza where you describe smoke galloping over stone and feathers fluttering over leaves.

One suggestion I have is to consider varying the length of your lines and stanzas to create a more dynamic rhythm. For example, the first stanza has two short lines followed by a longer one, which creates a sense of momentum. You could experiment with this technique throughout the poem to add more musicality to your words.

Another suggestion is to consider the use of punctuation to guide the reader's interpretation of the poem. For instance, you might consider using a comma or a period after "I am a shell" to create a pause and emphasize the line. Similarly, you might consider using a dash or an ellipsis after "I am compliant" to create a sense of hesitation or

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Seren

Seren

1 year 10 months ago

Your poem greatly reminds me of a poet who was here it is very much the same style as he would write. His name was Esker. He's no longer with us as he passed. He was a genius.

I read this many times but I have to comment on your end lines. I've only just read this? my latest poems ending and its similarity to yours struck me dumb. There are echos.

I think this is a great poem.

Well done!!

Kind Regards

Seren

J

This poem aches. It hurts.

There is power in it, too, as well as ... resignation?
I would love to know (but not if it's nosy or too personal etc), what was the context of thought behind this poem? Please, please don't answer if you don't want to, because the poem stands beautifully on its own. It's just my hunger to understand it better.

Lovely visionary words.