Lavender
Lavender
Jun 15, 2023

When

I was once only slate gray,
orderly neutrals,

simple hues of contentment,
familiar shades and moods.

Now I own the sunlight.

When did the sky and ocean waltz together
to give birth to breathtaking teal?

When did the scarlet tears from the pomegranate
unearth the aged grain of my cutting board,

or the grinning yellow of your
shiny, wet raincoat burst into my life?

I hear the rush of waterfalls,
understand the sweet taste of cream,

and as you hold me close,
the fragrance of warmest cinnamon

wraps itself around us -
my senses break away

unchecked, uncontrolled,

and in this moment,
this is when

I become alive.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United States

Favorite Poets: I tend to read Ted Kooser

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "When" effectively employs sensory imagery to convey the speaker's experience of feeling alive. To enhance the poem's impact and clarity, consider the following suggestions:

1. Structure and punctuation: The poem's structure is mostly consistent, with short lines and stanzas. However, some punctuation inconsistencies could be addressed. For example, the poem lacks punctuation at the end of some lines, such as "these colors" and "my life?". Adding punctuation where needed will improve the poem's readability and flow.

2. Imagery: The poem's sensory imagery is vivid, with references to colors, the sound of waterfalls, the taste of cream, and the fragrance of cinnamon. To strengthen the sensory experience, consider adding more specific details or expanding on the existing images. For example, instead of just mentioning "colors," describe the specific colors that have entered the speaker's life.

3. Line breaks: Some line breaks, such as "unchecked, uncontrolled," seem to interrupt the flow of the poem. Consider revising these line breaks to maintain a consistent rhythm throughout the poem. For example, you could combine these two lines into one: "unchecked and uncontrolled."

4. Theme: The theme of the poem, which is the speaker's experience of feeling alive, is clear and well-developed. However, the poem could benefit from a more explicit exploration of the catalyst for this transformation. The poem hints at a connection with another person ("as you hold me close"), but elaborating on this relationship could add depth to the poem and strengthen the theme.

By addressing these suggestions, the poem "When" can become even more impactful and engaging, effectively conveying the speaker's sensory experience of feeling alive.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Seren

Seren

1 year 10 months ago

Sigh, I sat back after I read this poem, so taken was I within the imagery and moment.

You're a star woman I love your poetry! but i think you already know that I couldn't gush enough about this one. I wish I could find this place again I remember these places in word but i just can't seem to find them at the moment, my world is devoid of colour still. Maybe soon, I hope.

Congratulations on another spectacular poem. Brava!!

love always J xxx

Lavender

I am always so touched by your comments. I am grateful for your kind words. I have faith that color will return, it's certainly there in your poetry.
Thank you for reading and sharing,
Much love,
Lxxx

E

I enjoyed your poem greatly but I agree with the NeoBot can we have a few lines about the colours that burst into your life because the first statement isn't qualified before the rush of waterfalls sets in. The next time I smell the warmest cinnamon I hope I have a lady by side so we can wrap ourselves within.