Seren
Seren
Jun 14, 2023

Raw

With a single notion
I feel a fever,
transported a lifetime
with hour glassed seconds
my hip cupped nirvana

the texture
of your lips
brushed shivers
into the spine
of my soul

the strength
of calloused hands
rouged red
every line, curve
and valley

licking my lips
I taste the evocation
this essence throbs
through my core,
I shudder

in some moments
quiddity is measured
by the minutes, hours
and days until
the next time

But as afore
I am awakened to
this raw continuance
always waiting
to be, again

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Title: Raw

The poem explores the intensity of a physical and emotional connection between two individuals. The choice of words and imagery effectively conveys the depth and rawness of the experience.

1. Structure and Form: The poem is divided into six stanzas, each with varying lengths. This irregularity in stanza length can be seen as a reflection of the unpredictable and raw nature of the emotions being described. However, it might be helpful to consider a more consistent structure to enhance the overall flow and readability of the poem.

2. Imagery and Language: The poem uses vivid and sensual imagery to describe the connection between the two individuals. For instance, "my hip cupped nirvana," "brushed shivers into the spine of my soul," and "rouged red every line, curve, and valley" effectively evoke the physical and emotional aspects of the experience. The use of words like "quiddity" and "evocation" adds a layer of intellectual depth to the poem.

3. Theme and Message: The theme of the poem revolves around the raw and intense connection between two people. The message of the poem seems to emphasize the idea that these moments of connection are fleeting and that the longing for them is a continuous process. The poem successfully conveys this message through its imagery and language.

4. Suggestions for Improvement: To enhance the poem's overall impact, consider refining the structure and form. Experiment with a more consistent stanza length or a specific rhyme scheme to create a smoother flow. Additionally, some lines may benefit from further development or clarification, such as "in some moments quiddity is measured." Providing more context or explanation for this line could strengthen its connection to the poem's overall theme.

Overall, the poem effectively captures the raw and intense emotions of a deep connection between two individuals. By refining the structure and form, as well as clarifying certain lines, the poem's impact and readability can be further enhanced.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lightning Dust

I don't know how who this is about but the yearning and passion screams off the page. I'm a tongue-tied.

This is some good stuff girl! Well done

Love L & J

Seren

Thanks so much I am really glad you liked it, thanks for stopping by, I look forward to reading your poem later!

love always OJ

Candlewitch

smokin' hot! all emotion and imagery without smut...I am in awe Lady Jayne!

*ever, eddy styx
*love Cat Sis

Seren

Big smiles I am so glad you liked this one, I wasn't sure about this one but I am very happy you thought it was smoking hot without being smutty, you know that's something I work hard to avoid.

Love always Lilbit xxx

Geezer

what they said! Smoking hot and the stuff of daydreams. She seethes with sensuality and pours fuel on the fire! Absolutely
a conflagration waiting to happen. Nice, hot stuff; like a Mexican-hot burrito, my brain is still smoldering! Love and higgest bugs, ~ Geez.
.

Seren

Your reaction was worth the time I put into this one, I played with it a little and you were right today there is a newness to my work.

thanks so very much

Love and higgliest bugs Sis xxx