Sarah Shaw
Sarah Shaw
Apr 22, 2023
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoem Of The Week April 16th to April 22nd 2023

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Crisis

Dad's up in the bathroom
And he's locked the door
We can hear his frantic footsteps on the floor
Up the stairs we go
To what we'll find
We just don't know.
Mums getting herself all in a tizz
Cos Dads having a turn
And he's in crisis
Mum opens the door
And then we can see
Dads opened the skylight
As wide as can be.
I want to run i want to flee
I gaze at the plank
At his feet where hes stood
Oh god mum says
Hes up to no good.
Hes given up and lost all hope.
Around his neck hed slung a rope!
So we wrestled my Dad
down to the ground
In his pocket was where the tablets were found.
Ring an ambulance she said
I finally ran and I finally fled.
I dialled the number
And said "please come quick
It's my dad you see
And he's terribly sick".
Mum sent me down to see Aunty Helen
With strict instructions
To tell no one.
I closed the door behind me
And locked away a memory.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Region, Country: Kent UK, GBR

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

/5

This poem is a powerful and emotional depiction of a family crisis. The use of short, choppy sentences and fragmented thoughts effectively conveys the urgency and chaos of the situation. The imagery of the open skylight and the plank adds to the sense of danger and desperation.

However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved. The use of slang, such as "tizz" and "up to no good," feels out of place and detracts from the serious tone of the poem. Additionally, the line "Around his neck hed slung a rope!" feels heavy-handed and almost melodramatic.

One suggested line edit would be to change "Mums getting herself all in a tizz" to "Mother frets and worries in a tangle." This maintains the sense of anxiety and urgency without the use of slang.

Overall, "Crisis" effectively captures the intensity of a family emergency and leaves a lasting impression on the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

I wouldn't change the slang; I was comfortable with it and understood it immediately. Not forgetting that this is a child that has
seen their father's attempted suicide and the obvious shame connected with it, I would understand that the line:
"Around his neck, he'd slung a rope" would be heavy-handed and melodramatic, because it was! The "Up to no good" would be a thing that a wife might say, who is dreadfully tired of watching her husband in the throes of depression and feeling as though she has been saddled with another burden besides having to manage on her own. This is a poem that manages to let the reader know that; not only the husband and wife been affected, but the child also. I wish that more attention had been paid to the meter and it was smoother, but I think that if one would pay attention to removing the excess words, without losing the meaning, it can be tamed.
Examples:

We can hear his frantic footsteps on the floor.

We hear his footsteps on the floor

"Up the stairs we go"

Up the squeaking stairs we go

Mums getting herself in an awful tizz

Mum's got in an awful tizz

'Cos Dad's having a turn
and he's in crisis

Dad's had a turn, he's in crisis

I think that you can see where this is going, trying to keep
the beat, while not losing any of the information. Reading aloud helps immensely.
A good piece that just needs a little work, I like it!
Welcome to Neo.
~ Geezer.
.

Sarah Shaw

Thankyou for the feedback. I will have a rework with some of the lines as you suggested. I'm glad you agree about the use of the slang terms . I look forward to being a part of this group.

Ruby Lord

Sarah, what a heartfelt poem. I can imagine how hard it was for you to write, pulling those memories from your childhood. The language used was familiar and allows the poem to be frantic, passionate and urgent. The slang terms added depth to the poem, they're the important and necessary parts of your voice. Great poem.

Lavender

Greetings, Sarah,
You've captured the anxiety of the crisis very well. I agree that the language is age appropriate, especially for the circumstance. Thank you for sharing such a profound poem. I look forward to reading more of your poetry.
Welcome to Neopoet!
Lavender