Ruby Lord
Ruby Lord
Apr 11, 2023

Grief

The laughter of your voice,
Your hand on my face.
To fill your mind once more,
You can’t see me.
Your fingers touch me,
Skin worn thin.
The love in my heart,
You, forever gone.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Interested in other peoples take on my poem. Did it affect you, make you think of someone you've lost?

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United Kingdom

Favorite Poets: I like Margaret Atwoods poetry and I enjoy her writing. She has a natural ability to make her fiction read like poetry

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Grief" explores the emotional pain of losing someone dearly loved. The imagery of the speaker's memory of the loved one's laughter and touch is poignant and evokes a sense of longing. The line "To fill your mind once more" is particularly effective in conveying the speaker's desire to be remembered by the loved one. However, the line "You can't see me" feels somewhat abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the poem. It may benefit the poem to add a line that explains why the loved one cannot see the speaker, such as "Your eyes closed forevermore" or "Lost to the depths of time." This addition would give more context and enhance the emotional impact of the poem. Overall, "Grief" is a heartfelt and moving exploration of loss.

Line edit suggestion:
- From: "You can't see me"
- To: "Your eyes closed forevermore, you can't see me."

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

Thanks Bot, but this poem is about my grief and a particular person.

By not appointing a person, others can share my words but not my loss. We all have our own loss. I prefer to keep mine to myself. Grief and loss are personal, I don't think any of us want to share everything.

Obadiah Grey

I like the thought of "filling your mind once more"
and "your skin being worn thin" with regard to Grief.

I could relate to all that you have written, Ruby.
I think grief should be quick and brief,
deep and remembered.

Obi.

Jackweb

Sorry for your loss! The sting of death is horrific when it hits on the loved one.
.

RoseBlack

This poem made me think of multiple losses...some from death and some for other reasons. A short poem that says a lot. Well done.