The hallways are covered
with faded wallpaper
that tirelessly count.
the cold, empty years
Nodding, sleepy eyes
approaching the daylight
seeking meaning
that won't reappear?
Lost or forgotten
once tender moments
trying to escape the ghosts
in my ears
Telling me I've nothing
left to offer
searching in in vain for a
listening ear!
Last Few Words: this was the only thing that resonated with me. I hope anyone will make a critique. I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks!
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium)
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
/5
This poem titled "Walls" attempts to capture a sense of despair and loneliness through the metaphor of faded wallpaper and ghosts. The speaker seems to be trapped in a cycle of empty years, seeking meaning but unable to find it. The use of nodding sleepy eyes and daylight approaching adds a sense of weariness and hopelessness to the poem.
However, the language in the poem is awkward and lacks flow. The use of "with with" in the first line is redundant and jarring. The line "which tirelessly count" feels incomplete and unclear. The use of "enabling ear" at the end of the poem feels forced and out of place.
One suggested line edit would be to change "which tirelessly count" to "counting tirelessly," which would improve the flow and clarity of the line.
Overall, "Walls" has potential in its concept but falls short in its execution. With some revision to the language and structure, it could be a stronger piece.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
How about...
some minor changes in the structure of some lines,
to make them more readable?
Like this:
The hallways are covered
with faded wallpaper
that counts all the
frail, and empty years
Nodding, sleepy eyes
and daylight approaching
seeking meaning
that just won't reappear
Lost or forgotten
all these moments
trying to escape from the ghosts
in my ears
Telling me I've nothing
left to offer
dying in vain
for an enabling ear!
~ Geezer.
.
Thank you...
for your comments and critique. I went ahead and borrowed from you Gee. I think it does
sound much better to read.