Twas not the born lamb’s breath that I dare weep for, brother
Twas not the hollow arcane inside I feel, dear brother
Hunger to sip the woeful tale of fever alas
Oh me, Oh my, Oh brother
He throws like plasma glass
Twas I, you know, shivering she
who tore apart the horses
And licked the dust of corpses
oh brother, dare we go a great old deal
and burn the iron man with teeth of gasoline
Twas you, remember
Twas you so sweetly keen
Oh me, Oh my, Oh brother
How the man does melt
Oh me, Oh my, Oh brother
Twas the noble fog that smelt
we laugh, how the man does sing
Twas I, dear brother
Who dare not weep
Sep 13, 2022
This poem is part of the contest:
Neopoem Of The Week Contest September 11th to September 17 2022
Twas you after all
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Howdy Killer Bee
Your name caught my attention. I love bees, have a bee tattoo and a nose piercing with a bee on it!
I really love your images/word choices with "hollow arcane" and "licked the dust of corpses". One conjures stunning, dark whimsy, the other squalid, dry, decay.
I also really appreciate the juxtaposition of old fashioned language and rhyme (which we often consider a more classical aspect of poetry) with modern free verse. It's a good contrast and shows how those areas of poetry don't have to be mutually exclusive.
I like the way your poem visually tapers down to that pointed final thought, "dare not weep"
I also enjoy the sound of "dare we go a great old deal". There is nice musicality to the G and D alliteration/consonance there and the meter of it.
I am not sure if you are familiar with the video game series Dishonored, but this poem's imagery and themes reminded me of them. They explore death, brotherhood/family/bonds, science fiction and fantasy in a way that brings together the old and the new, like your poem does. They are some of my favorite games of all time. You may want to consider having a look if you like video games!
If I may make a suggestion:
Consider writing Twas as we typically see it: 'Twas (since it is a contraction).
Kelsey