Shivers breeze and then away
pearls strung out for eyes
Too late, the hesitation now
tracing flames down velvet thighs
She feels the fire licked feathers
stroke her lovely skin
The scent of love lies snugly
in the bed within
Spilled treasure glistens wetly
a map of jewels is found
but pleasure will not wait here
for love to come around
The trail of tears follows them
as realization hits
A moment's indiscretion
has torn a friendship all to bits
Comments
Hmmmm.....
"tunnels of her nose".....somehow doesn't seem to fit. Maybe chambers instead?
Thank you...
Scribbler, I was on the fence about that line. I thought I should wait to see what remarks and comments I got, before messing with that one. Thanks for the suggestion of [chambers]. ~ Geez.
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This seems familiar
I like the imagery and emotion. Well done.
I got the idea...
from Seren, from something she wrote, and I had it half-made up before I actually wrote it down.
Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
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hello Geezer,
instead of tunnels, maybe nostrils? or breath ways? the rest of the imagery is great. no other suggestions.
*hugs, Cat
Yeah...
Scribbler suggested [chambers] and I went with that, as it had the closest meaning. Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Geez.
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Nose...
..drop it altogether and rewrite the line it with another word that rhymes. Nose doesn't fit in that poem at all.
Thomas
I took...
your suggestion to rewrite that line and did a little more, by switching stanzas around too. I think it is much better now. ~ Geez.
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Wow
..that opening line is a real grabber now! I think you are right, moving the stanzas around was a solid move.
Thomas
Thank you...
I saw that after you showed me where it was wrong. ~ Geez.
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Treasure Map
Wow! Really love the revision! This went from a little sensual to "Whoa Nelly!" And then the ending --almost makes me cry.
L
Thank you...
It only goes to show, a little critique can make a piece better. Thank you all!
~ Geez.
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hey Geezer...
it is much more solid now...I like it too! (eddy styx)
I agree, *hugs, Cat
Thank you both...
I think that it is much better now, that the intent is clear. ~ Geez.
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Dearest Bro
Is this inspired by something else maybe? Lol well I am off for a shower. Seems the humidity just went through the roof here phew.
This is beautifully and tastefully done.
Bravo
Love & Higgliest bugs Sis xox
Ummmm...
could be. Thanks to all the great feedback I got, it turned out better than I imagined? LoL
Thanks Sis, love and higgest bugs, Bro.
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