Candlewitch
Candlewitch
Jan 25, 2023

Jenny On The Hill (by eddy styx written for a friend)

Jenny, can you hear me
asleep on your satin bed?
I've talked to you so often
sometimes only in my head.
We'd awaited your arrival
safe inside your mother's womb.
We knew that with your looming birth
your beauty soon would bloom.

your mother slowly rocking
singing pretty little songs,
hoping you could hear them
Wishing we could right your wrongs,
Casket satin makes your bed
under a great willow tree,
sheltered from the elements
Unattached from man's debris.

Jenny can you hear me approach
with flowers in my hand?
sitting at your grave-side
like the hourglass draining sand.
my time is up, now I must go,
there are other things I must do
though, there is nothing more important
than the time I spend with you.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I wrote this for a friend.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe

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Comments

Seren

Seren

2 years 3 months ago

Omg I had forgotten the song Jenny can you hear me? This is magnificent poetry I offer nothing but praise. I am sure your friend would love it!!!

Brava!!! Applause

Love Always Jayne xx

Candlewitch

when I heard that his young daughter had passed away, I felt so sad. my muse fell into step with my grief and this poem was born. He was very pleased with it. he said it made him cry...a good cry.

*ever, eddy

P

This is quite lovely and it flows right from beginning to end. Both the rhythm and rhyme flow naturally and it is a delight to read aloud. Musical indeed.
There was just one line I thought to be contrived to fit the rhyme "writing letters in the sand" but when I read the next line I thought of an hour-glass, 'time to go" and it made sense, that despite our grief and sadness, life must go on. You then point out so well how precious those moments are that we take to sit and listen.
Thank you so much.

Candlewitch

thank you for taking the time to read my poem and make a comment. I very much appreciate your well thought out comment. it was a pleasure to read. it is also good to be acknowledged. I will be reading more of your work.

*ever, eddy styx

(*hugs, Cat)

Rosewood Apothecary

Jenny, can you hear me
asleep upon your satin bed?
I've talked to you so often
sometimes only in my head.
we'd awaited your arrival
safe in(side) your mother's womb
we knew that with your (looming) birth
your beauty soon would bloom.

your mother slowly rocking
singing pretty little songs,
hoping you could hear them
Wishing we could right your wrongs,
Casket satin makes your bed
under a great willow tree,
sheltered from the elements
Unattached from man's debris.

Jenny can you hear me
approach with flowers in my hand
sitting at your grave-side
Horologe is draining sand
Chronos calls and time’s expired
Other things, now I must do
But nothing will I cherish more
than the time I spend with you.

How’d I do?

Candlewitch

how did you do? pretty damn good! I shall employ most of your suggestions now. I need to think on your last ones as I'm not sure I understand them. thanks for the help, Tim.

*ever, eddy

Rosewood Apothecary

Horologe is a fancy dead word for hourglass. You could just use hourglass. Chronos is the god of time. He’s also the illegitimate son of Malachi Constant and Beatrice Rumfoord in Vonnegut’s “Sirens of Titan”

But that’s extraneous info. Sorry.

Tim

Seren

He did a brilliant job. I hear this as a song and not the original Jenny can you hear me.

Tim is a wonderful addiction to neopoet.

I had to come back and read again tonight.

Love Jayne xx

E

Hi Cat ,
This is wonderful tender write on such a difficult topic ,the piece flows really smoothly and the imagery drew me into the sadness of the tragic event that you write about ,
You have written this with such sensitivity it is heartrending to read , the ending is so touching placing the baby and visits as the most important thing in life .
I am sure it is something your friend can cherish .
Regards
Em 1