Wrap me in your plastic,
suffocate my past.
Drown me in your sorrows,
kill me so it lasts.
Slit my throat so gently,
slice into my veins.
Kill me oh so softly,
seek my promised name.
Rip my flesh from bone,
pull my fingernails.
Leave me laying, rotting,
hammer me with nails.
Choking on the inside,
sulfur steals my breath.
Fire burns my eyelids,
I wish to suffer death.
Take my offspring from me,
cutting off my hands.
Lead me from this angel,
to the darkest lands.
Wake me from my shadow,
and from this place I dwell.
Wake me from this dream,
and leave my soul in hell.
Comments
i liked the transition from
i liked the transition from verse to verse....and the cascading effect it creates...
Thank You
This write was an exorcise for me, you nailed what I was working on.The content of this poem was unimportant to me.I actually had the idea from listening to a emo kid whining about his life earlier in the day.Thank you for your comment, its very much appreciated.
it is then testimony of your
it is then testimony of your success in achieving what you set out to do..because my comment was completely un biased and i could feel the cascading effect
raj seldom says anyhig to help, sorry raj, but it;s true
The title denies the content and the rest is self-indulgent pain of rejection.
It reads like a very talented 18 y/o writer. Wait, I'll check your profile. OOps I was very wrong.
The first line is so "Twin Peaks" it can barely be forgiven. Cliches are cliches. full stop.
The rest is well written, but what are you giving your reader? Nothing I suspect, this is just for you.
Nope, I'm not eighteen
Your right, it wasn't written for any real purpose.I also never write for anyone but myself, even though I do like when others find something worthy in my writing and even enjoy it sometimes.Also if I may add, I only have a 9th grade education so I will take the talented 18y/o writer comment different than its intention.Be careful though, your comment wasn't very constructive and bordered on rude.Heres the thing, sometimes I just pick random topics and there is nothing deeper intended, thanks for your comments and keep reading.
I maintain that if you don't write with your reader in mind
you may as well not post.
Not what I meant
I wrote this an exorcise for myself, this place is a workshop so I was looking for feedback to make my fundamentals better.As I posted in the above reply, the content of this poem wasn't what was important to me.I would also add that if you have nothing constructive to say that you may as well not comment, but you better believe i will keep posting.
k, i get what you sre saying,
about making your poetry less induglent, And about my comments.
I was wrong.
I was wrong.
I mis-interpreted your poem. Didn't realise you would not spot the "Twin Peaks" reference and yes, there was a personal rip, though truly unintended.
My sincere apologies.
Thank You
I don't mind criticism with my poems, I am a growing writer after all.I am also just relearning how to navigate this site again and should have explained what this particular post was about.I accept your apology and I am still curious about the "twin Peaks" reference, lol.I remember the show but I have never watched it.
LOL Laura Palmers dead body was found
and one of the opening lines was "She was wrapped in plastic".
Check it out, the series and David Lynch's other movies, he is brilliant.
Jess
sorry i couldnt understand the context when you say..
"OOps I was very wrong.
The first line is so "Twin Peaks" it can barely be forgiven. Cliches are cliches. full stop.
The rest is well written, but what are you giving your reader? Nothing I suspect, this is just for you."
Cheers to you too..
The context, lol
The context was about my age, I'm 34 not 18 and it was a not so veiled shot at my writing.The Twin Peaks thing I don't get because I never watched the show.As for the poem having nothing for the reader, I tend to think that depends on the reader.
Thank you Mean Bee
I like your suggestions, thanks for the help.
sure why not
I never was sure about this title, I welcome any help I can get.Thank You
WOW, I missed this site
Those are great titles, much more fitting.Thank you, I will definitely play with your suggestions:-)
Kingzombie
Dear Kingzombie,
as a reader, I enjoyed this dark piece. I can see how this can easily become a lyric, just needs a tweak here and there and a chorus built in, and some work on the rhyme.
I really liked the opening two lines of stanza one, I used to have re-occurring dreams about being suffocated in plastic, so as soon as I read it, I was hooked.
You have used a simple rhyming sequence with some obvious rhyming words. I would like to see this taken on with more cleverer (is that a word) rhyming. It would just make the whole piece more interesting, rather than predictable.
A quick example:
Take my offspring (away) from me,
cut (into) my (bloodied) hands.
(Force) me from this (false) angel,
And mark me with your burning brand
I felt a little cheated when you rhymed 'fingernails' with 'nails'...Lol!...I know you can do better than that, in fact that really made me laugh out loud. Another idea:
Rip my taught flesh from bone,
pull (off) my (jagged) fingernails.
Leave me laying, rotting (away)
hammer me with nails (in my cess-pool of bloody entrails?)
This has promise, just needs some more thought to express the images a little more vividly.
Kind regards,
HS
"Cleverer" lol
Thats awesome, I totally agree that i wrote it kind of predictable and I sure did use the obvious choices in my rhyme scheme.I really like your suggestions especially "in my cess-pool of bloody entrails" i love it, lol.I will definitely try to incorporate your ideas into it.Thank you very much:-)
u say ur a man
Initiating Erotica Afresh
You say you are a man
But
Yet your logo/avatar
Is perhaps
Like that of a woman's
Are you somewhat
Bi
Sorry I mean no offence,
But I just left on
Your erotica
Some salivary and salty comments
Hope you will cherish
Yeah do not lament,
This kind of writing
Is not my norm
But heaven sent
Lmao !!!!!
I just read you blog and answered it, I am a straight guy and my avatar is my girlfriend.I wasn't expecting this comment in here, lol
ACTUALLY i have blind eyes during day i can't see only as an owl
at night that's why
this poem was about a kill
i read it as a kiss
that's what
all know how much i miss
a kiss miss miss