I sit upon my throne of corpses,
my crown made of splintered bone.
Dismembered bodies bow at my feet,
as I feast on the flesh of the living.
My castle overlooks the potters ground,
as I walk in gardens of stone.
My touch like winter, my skin, rotted.
My army-
maggots and worms.
My queen is disease,
her heart beats in my bony hand.
All are welcome to my forsaken land.
After your final breath, you shall see,
my kingdom is eternal,
my kingdom is death.
Feb 24, 2011
"The Zombie King"
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This one I had posted on Neopoet before the crash, I'm just curious if the response will be the same or not and possibly see if there are any improvements to be made.I made a change to the last line, please let me know if its better.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Why not? Look death and corruption in the face.
I would rather read this than
"baby I'm so blue
my life is nothing without you"
The last line is perhaps a bit trite. I bet you could give it more personal impact to your reader.
I agree
I have had a problem with the last line since Ive written it, but I am not so quick to change something unless I have something better.this is exactly the type of critique that I'm looking for, it has substance and is constructive.Thank you ...
I never thought of it
With black sabbath paling behind it, awesome thought, lol.I'm actually pretty happy with everything but the last line but I will keep your suggestions in mind.i'm glad you liked it and thank you once again:-)
Hello Kingzombie
An interesting poem. I have never read nor written anything close to this. I think you put a lot of yourself into this. It is a good read and I thank you for writing it. Keep up the great work.
Read you later.
Quote" Poetry is the living soul of the writer.
by Pixee
Cheers,
Pixee
Thank you Pixee
I'm glad that you enjoyed it:-)
Dear King Z.
My army-
maggots and worms.
My queen is disease,
her heart beats in my bony hand.
All are welcome to my forsaken land.
After your final breath, you shall see,
my kingdom is eternal,
my kingdom is death.
although I do like this piece, I also like the suggestions that Bee has made. This poem is dark and gritty... my cup of tea!
always, cat
Thank you Cat
Your opinion is means a lot to me, and I have to admit that I like mean bees suggestions too.I tend to be a tinkerer with my writing changing little things at a time.
death is my eternal kingdom
death is my eternal kingdom
the living wait for my redemption...
dancing
on the boulevard d'Orleans.
how about that for the last line?
~A
p.s. welcome back!
You all amaze me
I wish that I had just a small portion of the talent of you all, it amazes me how different and excellent these ideas are from my rough original.Thank you all for your help and suggestions:-)