`
There are no strings -
feel free to check it out,
ignore the mechanism
that moves my jaw about.
Watch me mouth words,
listen with an open ear,
this dummy has a voice
loud enough for all to hear.
There are no strings -
except the chains that bind
release those stoppers
to free that stubborn mind.
`
Last Few Words: This poem received a couple of somewhat valid suggestions at another site. Just wondering if there will be a consensus after going through neopoet. I expect it should be a good ride.
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
You speak for me
sometimes I wish to sew my mouth shut.
But then again... I am Jess
The poem needs redemption. Perhaps an extra line or verse,
perhaps
"you need to hear it"
or
"the words come from a higher source"
(but that sounds a bit religious to me. )
or
"I said it because you are a fuckwit"
definitely lose the word dummy. It says stupid and inarticulate, which you are clearly not.
Aye, it is
but one that has remained in the rough. Redemption has indeed been its only salvation.
There indeed seems to be a line or so lacking, perhaps as yet unspoken.
Pardon the clatter in the workshop... this poem may yet emerge a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. :-)
You ain't alone When I am here
this dummy has a voice
loud enough for all to hear
u said dummmy
i read
DONKEY.
haha!
Donkey but not an elephant! Tee-hee!