Loving you is like falling
into a dangerous snare
I'm now under siege of
the mistress of darkness
embodied with wanton
destruction of destinies
the fangs of your ill love
has left the sun a hapless
victim in a broad daylight
©®Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hello JW
Seems like an unsuccessful relationship here.
I googled for the name at the title , and had to read abt it as I had no previous knowledge of her. So thank you for giving us a bonus here.
Just one tiny suggestion if I may
The line
[a] mistress of darkness
I thought would read better if we use [the] as we are aware of who we are talking about.
Other than that I appreciate your wide knowledge and sharing it with us sir.
Your presence
Matters a lot here. Heart felt thanks for your observation and correction. Thanks a bunch Rula!
Jezebel was a prostitute, a killer! A woman of fierce energy. She story is found in Holy bible, the book of 1Kings and 2Kings. If you're a Christian, it would be easier for you to search. A very dangerous woman. But I used the title as analogy.
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Hi
Hi enjoyed this piece ,you describe how it would be to succumb to her the devil.
Some of her darkest deeds like her killing the sun are clearly described in your imagery rich narrative. Enjoyed it
You're welcome
Much appreciated esteemed poet. I'm glad you liked it.
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dear Onyinyeche,
instead of the word (ill) I would use (afflicted, ailing or diseased) as the word ill seems clipped and abrupt. I hope I have helped you. I very much like your poem. those are the only suggestions that I have. the rest is great.
*hugs, Cat
Thanks Cat!
You're suggestion are very nice! Thanks for coming in here.
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Jezebel
The lasting effects of toxic love- I don't think we ever fully recover- simple but powerful write!
Thanks Carrie!
You hit a point there!
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