Where e’er I look I see my love
In oceans wild or skies of blue,
I see her in the stars that shine
And in the gentle morning dew.
I hear her in the mornings breeze or tempests wild that topple trees,
I watch their branches twist and sway and see her dance...
and dance...
and dance....with limbs that seem to ebb and flow like breakers crashing on the shore.
Her fingers crook and beckon me, and I am lost,
and I am lost.
What has she done?
That I should see such beauty in a world so grey.
I cannot say, I do not know only that she haunts me so.
The sun that shines, the moon so bright, the rain that falls, the snow so white.
She is the mother of them all and knows she has me in her thrall.
I smell her fragrance everywhere,
I feel the softness of her hair,
Her eyes that shine.
Her lips so full,
Her skin so smooth,
Her touch so cool,
Her breasts so ripe I long to kiss,
But fear it will not come to pass,
And as I lay abed at night
I feel her breath, like feathers light
across my cheek,
I feel her hand
arouse me, lead me to a promised land.
My arms around her then I sleep….
Alone.
Comments
Unfulfilled
Greetings, Alex,
So poignant. The flow is wonderful and freeing, and the language is enchanting. All the senses come alive. I stumbled just a bit with "But fear it will not come to pass" when reading out loud. It felt as if "this" should be said instead of "pass" - but then "pass" also seems more melancholy and poetic. I wondered if you chose that word intentionally. Outstanding title and final line. And everything in between...
Welcome to Neopoet!
Lavender
Unfulfilled
Thank you Lavender for your kind comments. 'Pass' seemed the right word at the time but I think 'this' would have done just as well.
Maybe play with format
You have a very tight poem here but it isn’t structured as such. Try to make the reader be forced into your pattern by putting in the line breaks
Super job,
Tim
Unfulfilled
Thank you Tim. I have not been writing poetry seriously for long. I have written just for myself, when time allowed, for some considerable time. Therefore any comments are very welcome.
Try this
Where e’er I look I see my love
In oceans wild or skies of blue,
I see her in the stars that shine
And in the gentle morning dew.
I hear her in the mornings breeze
or tempests wild that topple trees,
I watch their branches twist and sway
and see her dance and dance and dance...
with limbs that seem to ebb and flow
like breakers crashing on the shore.
Her fingers crook and beckon me,
and I am lost, and I am lost.
What has she done that I should see
such beauty in a world so grey.
I cannot say, I do not know
only that she haunts me so.
The sun that shines, the moon so bright,
the rain that falls, the snow so white.
She is the mother of them all
and knows she has me in her thrall.
I smell her fragrance everywhere,
I feel the softness of her hair,
Her eyes that shine.
Her lips so full,
Her skin so smooth,
Her touch so cool,
Her breasts so ripe I long to kiss,
But fear it will not come to pass,
And as I lay abed at night
I feel her breath, like feathers light
across my cheek, I feel her hand
arouse me, lead me to a promised land.
My arms around her then I sleep….
Alone.
Also. Go find the lines that start with conjunctions and, or, but…try and replace them with action verbs or nouns. We know there’s an “and” there by instinct. One example…
I hear her in the mornings breeze
or tempests wild that topple trees,
Change to
I hear her in the mornings breeze
tempests wild that topple trees,
We know the “and” goes there so we don’t need it. If you’re needing that syllable try …
I hear her in the mornings breeze
Wild tempests that topple the trees,
It’s really good,
Tim
Unfulfilled
Good morning Tim. I realise you hare much more experienced than I in poetic works though it may be that I write with a theatrical slant. However I shall take your advice, and any more you care to give as I submit more, some I consider finished (though nothing really is), some in a very rough stage, some along the lines of this one, some very explicit and some very personal.
Thanks once again. Alex
Thought your poem was
Thought your poem was wonderful.
Obi.
Thank you Obi. Alex.
Thank you Obi.
Alex.
dear Alex,
I agree with Obi,
Reading your poem, I was enchanted and transported to a land of milk & honey. where there are lovely gardens and bowers. where lovers tryst amongst the greenery and flowers. and write and recite love and romance poetry! I very much enjoy your poetry. nice to meet you.
*hugs, Cat
Unfulfilled
Thank you Cat.
Alex