Beyond instances of younger life,
before the aches of tired bones
and aging flesh,
before raising growing children
conspired to trick us
into thinking we are old
we came together
where breeze-kissed pines
march up steep slopes of golden sand
from sunlit inland sea,
and in the hollow of the dunes
slipped from our clothes
to stop relentless time,
enjoying each other's pleasure
and release.
Beyond the dreams of decades' life,
before long hours of work
and days of schooling,
before bill-paying in the evening
conspired to sink us
into knowing we were tired
we came together
in this place where quilted bed
impatiently awaited passion
behind locked bedroom door,
slipped from our clothes
and began a precious interlude
of long and practised pleasure
and release.
In these remembered moments,
before familiar warmth of easy kiss
becomes delight of urgent need
nothing can deny
we are together,
joined together,
and in the darkness of your skin
I smell the breeze-kissed pines,
on the sweetness of your lips
I taste the golden dunes,
in the pleasure filling your dark eyes
I see my future gleaming sunlit
from the shining inland sea.
Comments
Heehee
Thanks Oz Lady, I look forward to your ideas.
Thanks Oz Lady,
I used most of what you suggested, but I can't decide about the splitting of the stanzas, I think I need to consider it longer.
Nothing you suggest is ever trash. Please, do not forget this.
:)
Remember the fire on the beach my sister, it is lit for you once more.
<<big virtual hug>>
Give my love to you family.
I hate your gots (just joking)
This poem speaks to me of all I have lost through a bohemian lifestyle of short term relationships.
Actually I thank you for it.
I can't spot any structural flaws it is beautifully and compassionately written.
Thanks Jess,
Its not often I get a comment from you telling me you cannot find flaw.
I think the third stanza isn't what it could be. I made it different to bring a final focusing to the piece, but now I'm leaning towards rewriting it to make it similar to the first two.
Let's see what others think.
Thanks again,
i've ruminated on this for
i've ruminated on this for quite a while ...
i think it's quite wonderful
the first 2 stanzas speak of the past, yet
to me, there seems to be a mix of tenses in a couple of spots
rather than woffle on, i'll write how i read it ...
Beyond instances of younger life,
before the aches of tired bones
and aging flesh,
before raising growing children
conspired to trick us
into thinking we were old ...............are ~were
we came together
where breeze-kissed pines
marched up steep slopes of golden sand..............march ~marched
from sunlit inland sea,
and in the hollow of the dunes
slipped from our clothes
to stop relentless time,
enjoying each other's pleasure
and release.
Beyond the dreams of decades' life,
before long hours of work
and days of schooling,
before bill-paying in the evening
conspired to sink us............................conspires ~conspired
into knowing we were tired.....................are ~were
we came together..................................come ~came
in the place where quilted bed.......................this ~the /that
impatiently awaited our passion..........................awaits ~awaited
behind locked bedroom door,
slipped from our clothes.........................slip ~slipped
and started a precious interlude.......................start ~started
of long and practised pleasure
and release.
for me, those stanzas in past tense, are a natural prelude
to the third stanza, where, after the remeniscence, he
is brought back to his present, and the hope it holds
i also toyed with the thought of perhaps breaking down
the stanzas ...it would definitley work
but ...the more i read this, the more the 3 stanzas seem
right for it ...each stanza is a complete picture ...a complete
moment of memory ...the reader gets a sense of the images
playing in the author's mind
hard at times, to do love and all things connected, and not have it
read mushy, or at best, a little stale
this write is nowhere near either of those things
it's so gracefully written
it's tender
warm
loving
and the last stanza is quite beautiful
the progression of thought and emotion is
so smoothly done
i enjoyed reading every word of this
in fact, i savoured it
very, very lovely
cheers
p
a late thought
a late thought
s 2, line 12...perhaps
started ~ began?
P
Thanks for your kind words.
Thanks even more for your edit. Yes, I see it, the tense was wrong and mixed, particularly in the 2nd stanza, so I editted accordingly.
I'm still not sure about breaking the stanzas, which usually means that I should not, heehee. It was my original intention to have three distinct instances marching up from the past into the present, so I think that for now, I'll leave them as is.
I deliberately write my love poems without certain words, such as "love" and "beauty", as a general rule. If I find too much "mush" or sentiment at the end of the second or third edit, I usually trash the poem and start again from scratch.
And I have absolutely no problem with love poetry, just BAD love poetry. Love is the larger part of my life, and to not write about it would be a personal denial of who and what I am.
And, of course, I would not be able to write it, if not for she whom I write it for.
Thanks again P, glad that you enjoyed my poem.
as you, i have no problem
as you, i have no problem whatsoever with love poetry,
just BAD love poetry
and your poem is Good love poetry
as for the breaking up of stanzas...go with your gut
when in doubt ...don't
i am sick to death of reading the same old same old
in terms of love poems
however ...when i come across a well written, intelligent,
different kind of love poem ...well, no other subject in verse
can speak to me in the same way
cheers
p
hello,
we came together
where breeze-kissed pines
march up steep slopes of golden sand
from sunlit inland sea,
and in the hollow of the dunes
slipped from our clothes
to stop relentless time,
enjoying each other's pleasure
and release.
I want to find this place... is there a map or instructions on how to get there? LOL! The only thing I would change is the title.
always, Cat
Thanks Cat
Heehee
Google "Indiana Dunes".
Any suggestion for the title? I was thinking "Dune Memories".