Out from the broken lattice,
Below the white clapped cottage side,
Water from the sand point well,
Through the one turn tap,
And through wiggling toes,
Splashes beach sand on the flag stone path,
Away from which,
Dripping foot slapped pool shadows,
Track toe and heel,
To the front screen door that springs and slams,
Beyond the damp traces left behind,
From shore side joyful playing paused,
Drying in the smiling sun,
And the kissing pine scent breeze,
Carefree days’ passage kept,
By the water chime of the cottage tap.
Feb 23, 2011
The Cottage Tap
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Seren, what does this give to poetry?
http://new.neopoet.com/node/2466#comment-20243
It is a lovely if somewhat bland watercolor.
You, of all people, I expect better critique from.
I'm only asking you to try harder
your compassion is not an asset in critique.
Sorry, Arrowords,
yes, it is a good poem, but it could be so much better.
It is sentiment and what is missing, as is all sentiment, is the passion that makes it real.
I also suspect, and this is only my intuition, that you are not being truly honest. There is something dark missing here.
Interesting
My intent here was to paint a word picture of a simple object that marked the times of my youth. While I agree that sentimentality is poor passion, I am not sure that passion is the only criteria. Here is the "sentiment" of the poem or what I would rather call sensing in a Haiku, dashed off quickly with no claim to any perfection. Poor as it is I hope it illustrates what I am trying to get at in this comment which I have inadequately expressed I think. :)
Sun kissed pine scent
Tap gush washes small summer feet
Wet trails drying time
perhaps I was a bit harsh
but I would call it a watercolor, not an oil painting.
Harsh
I don't mind harsh. I just don't know where to take our discussion except away from the poem toward poetry itself.
Thanks for your comments,
Cheers,
Don
I enjoyed it because it
I enjoyed it because it seemed to me a watercolour (to go along with your tagline) and each line of the poem removes a layer of colour until it leaves only an observation that left me smiling at its skill, reminiscent of some skillful poets.
~A
Thanks. I think of it as a
Thanks. I think of it as a quiet reflection (pun intended).
I am enjoying the discussion here because it raises in my mind a wider discussion of the purpose and commitment of poetry. It's a discussion without end I suspect and better in a forum meant for it.
Cheers,
Don
Water Colour
Given the topic I like water colour better :)
I wonder if the haiku, fixed up, as a last stanza would make any difference.