i hold the hand of sadness in my right-
heart ventricle and her touch is frigid,
but familiar.
seeing the eyes of old class foes-
my left heart sagging,
to cower in a strangers conversation.
and I feel the sadness all the same.
when fish swim through frozen lakes-
And the man lends me a smile,
My blood curdles like milk,
and the sadness tastes the same.
when the house closes it’s mouth-
and shoes grow smaller.
My teeth crawl on carpet,
and pick up sadness from the muck.
i buy pieces of the sweeter self-
and put myself together.
but the eye is twirling and the skin is flushed,
and the hair is brown, and the heart is heavy
and the sadness-
is every reason,
is everyone.
Comments
By far the best poem I have
By far the best poem I have read today. I feel your sadness. Hoping you find way to happiness soon.
I am changed
This one hits hard. I’m a very sad and lonely person. I’m surrounded by love and light. Most times I bask in it. Occasionally I’m blind to it. I got stuck in that blind place for an elongated period of time and I am still effectively climbing out of it.
I hope that you know it’s ok. The sadness, there are a lot of us out here. We are finding each other. We finding the strength in each other. You ever need a companion in sadness I’m a good wingman. No need to struggle alone. I pretty much live here.
“i buy pieces of the sweeter self-
and put myself together.
but the eye is twirling and the skin is flushed,
and the hair is brown, and the heart is heavy
and the sadness-
is every reason,
is everyone.“
Sometimes those “pieces of sweeter self” they are hard bought and dearly paid for. What a masterpiece.
I’d suggest the first stanza look like this:
“I hold the hand of sadness in my right-heart ventricle
And her touch is frigid but familiar”
Or
“I hold the hand of sadness
In my right-heart ventricle and
Her touch is frigid but familiar”
Second way is probably best.
Same exact lines broken up differently. More rhythmic, stronger delivery.
Capitalization and punctuation we can work on. Unless there’s a comma needed in the line itself, they aren’t needed. The punctuation at the end of lines is superfluous in poetry.
The words that you wrote I’d not change at all. I’m doing technical edits to an astounding piece of art that moved me.
Really really proud of you on this one,
Tim
hello, I'm with you. The
hello, I'm with you. The technical edits are very much appreciated, and more helpful then you know. As are your kind words, for reading them has made my day.
Wow...
I think that poets are by nature, one of the saddest groups of people, I have ever met. Even when we are funny, or playing with joyful words, rearranging them for laughs, the basic parts of us are like most comedians; we love to make other people happy and forget about reality for just a little while. Yes, the sweeter parts are very often paid for with blank checks, take as much as you need. Well done! ~ Geezer.
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