We've not yet come to the end,
of course, we're yet to start up,
we've a role to play among us,
so, don't depart without my wish.
The life I want to share with you,
it's a life of dignity and respect,
a love filled with purity of mind,
'cause my soul thirst after thee.
So, never say goodbye for now,
I'm still alive with a longing soul.
my heart drinks in thy goodness,
I'll never never leave without you.
You're the fresh air that i breathe,
a pure heart with a dazzling smile,
your love is the tied umbilical cord,
that cannot be separated from me.
But, if you insist to leave out of me,
I will no longer be found any more,
my heart would break in pieces, and
my love will definitely diminish forever.
©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu
Comments
Never Say Goodbye
Hi, Jack,
This feels very formal, almost like Shakespeare, with an element of tragedy. I'm not certain if there is an existing romance, or simply the hope of romance. A few lines stand out to me, "I'm still alive with a longing soul...my heart drinks of thy goodness." Romantic.
Thank you,
L
You nailed it
Your comments are a valuable asset to my writing, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
.
This is so full of empathy
it's a great work of impressing possible Love on a woman.
Inusing old style words like "Thee [S2L4] and "Thy" [S3L3] that gives somehow a vision of a Cleric speaking, as if from a sermon. Perhaps a better choice would be some words that are more modern.
A tied umbilical cord [S4L3] is the umbilical cord about to cut when a Mother delivers a baby. I'm thinking you meant a form of existing persistent connectiveness, so I'd recommend you revisit that line to better say what you intend.
In the last stanza, [S4L1] perhaps leaving off " to leave out of me" and replace it with "leaving me". also, in that stanza, [S4L4] I'd recommend editing "definitely diminish forever" to put in something like "Be forever diminished."
There's noting wrong with your piece... my suggestions are just to give ideas to make it flow a bit better , and in so doing enhance readability.
We poets are attempting to reach the mind's pictures of our readers. it is far too easy to encumber the descriptions and thus drop away from your reader's mind pictures.
for example:
"The dragon's breath is hot and tounges of flame reach and singe"
can be shortened with better effectiveness by writing
"in dragon's breath, fire burns"
Ray
Nice one!
Your comments are a valuable asset to my writing, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will take my time and go through them. Thanks for indicating them.
.