First Love

I tried to choose favorite lines...it was very difficult. but finally settled on these:

My days are shadowed with nightly thoughts,
And dreams crumble at your feet,
As do I,
I have been there, and it does not happen often, once if you are really lucky...twice is phenomenal

I am a fan

*hugs, Cat

for unrequited love!
Most of what you have written, is flawless
there are just a couple of spots that I would
would try to touch up.

How about:
"Unaware of my love for you"?

The line should be simpler; the way you wrote it
gives pause to wondering if you are trying
to sound Middle-Ages language. You want the line
to be fresh and solid.

I am pretty much a believer
in not using a main word close to one before it
Instead of using Grace twice so close together
I would maybe say:

"Grace me with your sweet voice"
To calm my trembling heart
Soothe me with your touch
To ease my aching torment"

Delete the line: [As do I] you have already used your dreams to crumble at her feet
Drop the commas at the end of each line, [they are of no use]
instead use the commas to indicate a pause in important thought.

"I vow, to render myself, your heart's worship"

Of course, these are only suggestions and you are never obligated to use them
You may use anything you like and certainly, make up new lines to incorporate
things that you find useful. ~ Geezer.
.

Innocent and unsuspecting love. Beautifully captured. Made me think back to my first love. Good job,.

I lived this a few times. It’s so mysterious and magical that first time you fall hard and they don’t know and you’re afraid to tell them. I love romantic sentiments of any kind. You’ve got another really good poem here.

“I vow to render myself your heart's worship,
Your desires are the rains,
And I thirst in maddening plight,
So pour upon me,
Embrace me,
Drop by drop,”

That’s some ooooh aaahhh stuff right there,
Tim