Your lies flow like water into me,
they seep through the cracks of my self-esteem
and damage the fragile foundation on which I am built.
Your approval is poison,
Intoxicating electricity.
Not unlike the air I breathe,
I crave it, purely for survival.
Your voice is the earth on which I stand.
When you quake, I quake.
Shaking loose the already damaged walls
and leaving my life
falling to pieces
Your touch burns me from the inside out.
It hurts and I need it
And I hate it.
You dance through the ruins of my decrepit home
And leave me to lie in the rubble.
Comments
Woah
I really like the metaphor. Water invades porous material and eventually erodes away from the inside. I’m sorry if this is based on your own personal experience. You’ve gained quite a bit of self awareness concerning it if so. Nice work.
I have one suggestion
Your voice is the earth on which I stand.
When you quake, I quake.
Shaking loose the already damaged walls
and leaving my life
to fall to pieces
Maybe
Your voice is the earth on which I stand.
When you quake, I quake.
Shaking loose the already damaged walls
Leaving my life to fall to pieces
I kept wanting to change the verb tense to make them the same
Your voice is the earth on which I stand.
When you quake, I quake.
Shake loose the already damaged walls
and leave my life
to fall to pieces
Or
Your voice is the earth on which I stand.
When you quake, I quake.
Shaking loose the already damaged walls
leaving my life
falling to pieces
Honestly it’s fine as you have it those are just some things I played around with. Obviously, take my suggestions lightly.
This is fine work,
Tim
Thank you!
Thank you for the new suggestions!! I appreciate the feedback you've provided! I love the constructive criticism as I'm here to both share and improve my work. Thank you so much!
I can't decide between these
I can't decide between these lines, which are my favorites!
Your touch burns me from the inside out.
It hurts and I need it
And I hate it.
You dance through the ruins of my decrepit home
And leave me to lie in the rubble.
Excellent! ~ Geezer.
.
Thank you
Thank you very much! :)
Woah
I am blown away! I have felt every single one of these things and your poem put each emotion into a different perspective. Great job. My favorite lines:
Your approval is poison,
Intoxicating electricity.
Not unlike the air I breathe,
I crave it, purely for survival.
Thank you
Thank you very much! I am glad you like it! :)
Beautiful!
I liked your poetic expression. Poetically you're very sound .
Exquisite!
.
Thank you
Thank you so much!! :)
I'm curious about
your choice of form. is this how the poem came to you, or did you group the thoughts as seen above?
Very sad piece, and it reaches into the reader.
Thank you
for your feedback! I wrote this poem as it came to me.
Congratulations
On your win. This was a good write. It deserves the attention.
Nice job,
Tim
Thank you
Thank you so much!! :)
Congrats...
on your win! Good job!
~ Geezer.
.,
Thank you
Thank you so much!! :)
Frst I'd like to CONGRATULATE THE JUDGE
To have selected your wonderful poem
Let poetry flow as it comes
we all are at times placed as judge
Difficult task
Congrats poetess
Thank you!
Thank you so very much!
Kristen
I mean like...wow! I am so totally blown away by this poem. It is a genuinely deep, powerful and emotionally revealing piece that is full of sad, painful truths.
Like this verse is particularly striking.
"Your approval is poison,
Intoxicating electricity.
Not unlike the air I breathe,
I crave it, purely for survival."
Knowing that the thing you need to keep you alive, is also the thing that wrecks you. Just this and so many other amazing lines. It was a true classic, and one which I truly did enjoy.
Thanks for sharing this.
I loved it.
Wow!
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!!
Yes
I really did. And it was absolutely my pleasure.
Take care.