Black hair hangs below the floor
Shadow bangs hide open window eyes
Nothing is seen that is not supposed to be
Her whole world is a disguise
She's wrapped in magic carpet dreams leaving all to the imagination
To wonder what she is made of or if she has any limitations
She walks alone at night with her hair over her eyes
To keep those drawn to her from being terrified
She only seeks the lost
The broken are her mission
She turns the truth on them and offers her redemption
Flipping her black hair back reveals blazing eyes of bronze
They cut a person deep inside with a wisdom never wrong
She draws from the wounded and paints just what she sees
Her tiny poems are filled with a naked honesty
To have her capture you in a form of art
Is to be on display starting with the heart
She brings the demons forward from the dirty dingy cracks
They are powerless to be revealed and there is no going back
It leaves a void beside the soul that she fills with an empty remedy
She leaves numb where pain persisted
A never ending melody
Comments
Wow
This poem is truly captivating. The imagery that you convey is truly impressive to me! Really good work, keep it up!
-whoswordsarentthey
Thanks
I am new today actually. You are my first Neopoet comment ever! Thanks for the kind words. I can't wait to read some of your stuff. How long have you been on here?
Welcome!
I love neopoet! I've been on here for a little over a year! Keep up the good writing!! looking forward to reading more!
Welcome to Neo...
I am guessing that you are writing about a lover?
Maybe someone that you admire from afar?
I like the theme and the ethereal qualities you endow her with.
I do wonder at the first line: Black hair hangs [below the floor]?
Not sure of how the hair hangs BELOW the floor. I think you have
a good poem going here, just read it aloud and look at other rhyming poems here
you will get a good idea of pace and meter. ~ Geezer.
.
Thanks
Hi Geezer! Thanks so much for taking me under your wing on here. I really appreciate it and your feedback.
I have read the poem aloud and to me there is a problem with the pacing when it comes to the lines:
'To have her capture you in a form of art, Is to be on display starting with the heart'
Somehow it disrupts the flow and brings the poem dangerously close to cliche however I have not been able to rearrange these lines in a way that solves the issue as well as communicates the same description.
As far as the first line goes it is meant to convey the supernatural aspect of the character. If it made you think 'That's impossible' then I did my job. lol
I really like this
I’ve not commented on any of your poems yet. I can’t make any suggestions that would improve the poem. I agree with Geezer the ethereal quality is thick and it’s something I use a lot in my writing. It makes me think about possible meaning. Lends ambiguity for the reader to draw more personal conclusions.
Welcome,
Tim
Thanks
Hi Tim,
Thanks for reading my poem. I appreciate your feedback. I do prefer to let the work speak for itself but I don't mind telling you that I am personifying in this instance. An allegory of sorts. One deeply shrouded in mystery. The poem has the same unknowable quality as the subject it describes or that was the goal.
(Also the title is a kind of clue to solve the mystery;)
Gratefully yours,
Brian
Wow- this is beautiful
Your poem really holds the reader's attention and delves into the depths of your subject's soul. Well done! We have similar taste in music! Excellent choice for influences. :) I look forward to reading more of your works.
Thanks
Hi, yes cool I sensed a kindred spirit when i read your poem:) I am looking forward to us sharing more poetry for sure.
Where are you in the states if you don't mind me asking?
Hi Brian
I am in New York. Where are you
Hi
I am in New Brunswick, Canada which is on the east coast as well. I have a friend that lives in Syracuse.
Cool!
I look forward to sharing more poetry! My inbox is always open if you ever wanna chat
hello Brian,
I loved the poem, it was brilliantly conceived and presented. I admired the air of mystery that was the thread of cohesion to the end. I had this notion in my head, that she is deceased... there is such an ethereal element here.
p.s.
it is very nice to meet you. I have a Male alter-ego by the name of: eddy styx
he writes dark poetry under my name.
Thanks
Thanks so much for reading my poem and giving me your thoughts. I really do appreciate it. I look forward to getting to know you and your work better. Also Eddy sounds interesting and is making me think of stranger things. So sad.
Welcome to Neopoet!
Interesting piece here, I liked your use of imagery, and allusion.
One question, tho... why did you skip a line in between every written line? I would suggest taking the overuse of white space and making stanzas out of this nice poem. i believe that placing your lines in stanza form will allow you to express your thoughts to the reader mo' better'...
"Black hair hangs below the floor
Shadow bangs hide open window eyes
Nothing is seen that is not supposed to be
Her whole world is a disguise
She's wrapped in magic carpet dreams leaving all to the imagination
To wonder what she is made of or if she has any limitations
She walks alone at night with her hair over her eyes
To keep those drawn to her from being terrified
She only seeks the lost
The broken are her mission
She turns the truth on them and offers her redemption
Flipping her black hair back reveals blazing eyes of bronze
They cut a person deep inside with a wisdom never wrong
She draws from the wounded and paints just what she sees
Her tiny poems are filled with a naked honesty
To have her capture you in a form of art
Is to be on display starting with the heart.
She brings the demons forward from the dirty dingy cracks
They are powerless to be revealed and there is no going back
It leaves a void beside the soul that she fills with an empty remedy
She leaves numb, where pain persisted, this her never ending melody."
Thanks Ray!
I really appreciate the feedback. I am not sure why I skipped each line. I think I was trying to slow down the pace. I do like your arrangement. I can't wait to have some more free time and I can take a look at some of the stuff you have on here. Take care.