At age eleven my father changed
His love grew fond of his new wife
While his love for his daughters grew distant apart
With sweet lies and empty hopes
My father's ears were filled with malice words.
At a certain age, my father was my everything
He took care of us and played both roles of a parent
He was very strict and harsh at times
The straps of the broad leather stung so loud across our backs
I doubted he ever heard the sound.
He believed the lies and became the monster
Of horrors untold to barbaric behaviour
With pangs of hunger in our tender stomachs
Locked in a cell room as punishment
My father abandoned us, the moments intents
My father’s treatment towards his daughters cannot be explained
Over the years as a child, I swallowed in pain
Manifestation of thoughts of suicide and hate
Enveloped my mind, such undeserving love felt by my father
Remains a mystery why so brutal?
My father died three years now
And closure was never met, of these events
It remains a wound to those who knew
Memories hid by only a few
It will always linger and resurface when I think of my father as the parent he was.
Comments
I cannot imagine...
the terror felt and the lies that she must have fed him. It reads like a horror-story! I guess for some men, it's drugs and/or alcohol, for others, the addiction to a partner. I remember flashes of my father's sense of humor, the struggle to say he loved us, [because he wasn't loved himself as a child]. I only heard him say "I love you once or twice and then it was when I was an adult.
I think that you should switch the first and second verse around. Did you mean "the moments intents" or the the moments [intense]? I would go with "I swallowed [the] pain. "My father, [dead] three years now" "I never had closure, [in] these events.
Just a few little changes to make the piece a little smoother. Of course, if you have better ideas or want to ignore my advice, it's your work and no one will find fault. We try hard to see the writer's vision and sometimes I miss. ~ Geezer.
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Thanks for the feedback. to
Thanks for the feedback Geezer and the constructive corrections. To be honest it was a horror story as it is a factual poem of child abuse which was barbaric by a stepmother.
When a dad who was everything
When a dad who was everything later changed to be a monster against his children must have been influenced by someone else who was sharing mutual trust with.
I truly believed what Geezer's said. Someone who was closer to him fed him up with series of lies and that's why he capitalized on what he was told.
Take a look at the corrections he has given you and change them as soon as possible.
Onyinyechi Cosmos thanks for
Onyinyechi Cosmos thanks for taking the time to read my poem and comment, the changes will be made.
dear Warrior Princess,
you already have some good advice. I will tell what I think, too. to begin with:
Manifestation of thoughts of (the) suicide and hate (remove the) I am sorry that he believed such lies, it must have hurt you dreadfully! (my Dad was my hero all my life) my mother was the monster. the most extraordinary lines are:
My father died three years now
And closure was never met, of these events
It remains a wound to those who knew
Memories hid by only a few
It will always linger and resurface when I think of my father as the parent he was.
I don't completely understand your situation because; my mother never loved me. she hated me from the start of her pregnancy. but Dad balanced it out. I know what it is to go without closure and I am so sorry.
if I were you, i would give this poem a snappier title, like (Trials with Father) or something of that order. the body of the poem is good, it tells of a tragic tale. one which is very well told. the start and ending are satisfying. most poignant lines are these:
My father died three years now
And closure was never met, of these events
It remains a wound to those who knew
Memories hid by only a few
It will always linger and resurface when I think of my father as the parent he was.
keep on writing... you are good at it!
*hugs, Cat
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Remember...
the title is for the challenges. The title has to be the specific challenge; then you can put your title after it! ~ Geez.
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Thank you for taking the time
Thank you for taking the time Geezer to read this poem and sharing your constructive comments for me to improve this piece. Most appreciated.
Hi, Candlewitch many thanks
Hi, Candlewitch many thanks for taking the time o read and offer the necessary changes o improve my writing. I really appreciate it and it is a pleasure to meet you.
Difficult subject
I’m imagining the process of writing this was intense. I have a multitude of empathy for you. Your willingness to pour all that trauma onto the page is miraculous and beautiful. I’m misty eyed. I’ve no suggestions for edits but you moved me with this piece. It is an emotional nightmare that I’m truly sorry you experienced. You are a great writer and I hope the process of writing this helped to process and validate some of these feelings you’re carrying around. Very powerful.
Walk again in the light,
Tim
Your comment was well taken.
Tim your comment was well taken. Yes, my writing has helped me to heal and has come a long way. Thank you for taking the time to read this piece and sharing your inspiring words.
"Use your challenges as stepping stones to harness your growth."
I love this. It reminds me of an inspiring lyric written by Tom Marshall:
“Obstacles are stepping stones
That guide us to our goals
Fences are filters
That purify our souls”
Again this is the work of Tom Marshall and not mine.
I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Be well,
Tim
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your comment, Tim.