This woman who was stolen dreams,
she complicated everything.
I held her heart inside my eyes.
Until, the day I realized,
she was the queen of lies.
I promised her the heavens and the stars,
but, she didn't think I could go that far.
I said I'd do anything.
She said she'd wear my ring.
She was the queen of lies.
I found too late to my surprise.
I set boundaries she would not cross.
She found her life to be a loss.
I I tried to help her ease the pain.
But, on me, she would place all the blame.
I tried to stop her from running away,
but for some reason, she would not stay.
Words she had said so easily,
somehow would not surrender me
to the queen of lies.
Jun 27, 2022
Queen of Lies
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
dear Jordyn,
the first line is a little muddled I think it is the word (was)
This woman who was stolen dreams, maybe (has) would for a replacement. or restructure the sentence?
the rest of the poem, I wouldn't touch. I like your title, it is strong and powerful, an in-your-face kind of title! the poem flows well for easy reading. and the ending comes around full tilt! I like that... my favorite lines are:
She found her life to be a loss.
I I tried to help her ease the pain.
But, on me, she would place all the blame.
*warm smiles, Cat
ever, eddy
p.s.
she sounds like somebody I would hunt, torture and snuff... may i have a crack at her? I will give you full credit for the title and theme.
ever, eddy styx
Thank you
I did realize that, but when I read it aloud with the tone I was reading it in, it just kinda fit. But I can see how it makes more sense to have it as 'has' instead of 'was' thank you for the criticism Cat :)
Eddy, how lovely it is to hear from you for the first time! If you'd like to find, hunt, torture, and snuff a woman that fits this poem, then go ahead. Just, don't be to harsh on her. We all need to be occasionally roughed up, honestly. I look forward to hearing from you more Eddy, ta-ta!
hello Jordyn (love that name & spelling!)
thank you for your consent! I shall start working on it now!
ever, eddy & cat says "thanks!"
Your theme...
is one of tormented love.
Something that many have written about
and for the most part, you do a pretty good job of it.
I wouldn't make any drastic changes
but I would try to even up the meter a bit:
This woman who has stolen dreams
she's complicated everything
I held her heart in my eyes
until the day I realized
She was the Queen of lies
I found to my surprise
There were boundries she would not cross
she found her life to be a loss
I tried to help her ease the pain
but on me, she placed the blame
I tried to stop her running away
but for some reason, she wouldn't stay
Words she'd said so easily
somehow, would not surrender me
To the Queen of lies ~ Geezer.
.
I liked what you wrote, but felt that you needed a little help with the meter.
My best advice is to read it aloud, read it to someone else, the cat, the dog, even yourself!
Then think about how to smooth over the rough spots, the stumbles.
You will find that you can rearrange the words, take one out, put one in, change the form of the word and
even change the word itself to one that means the same thing. Welcome to Neo.
I look forward to reading some more of your work. ~ Geezer.
.
Thank you
I did just throw it all together, but I do have to agree with you, with the way you've changed the meter, it looks beautiful. Thank you for the tips
You're welcome...
This is what we do here, we critque, comment and in general, try to help you become a better writer! ~ Geezer.
./
Hello jordyn
Discovering that the person you love actually lying to you is a heart broken really but just look inward and remember the little truth she has ever told you and forgive her that will give her a chance to change.
Anyway I like your rhymes. Keep writing the good works.
Again
I think Cat and Geezer nailed the critique. I like your work. Three days running you have impressed me and so now I’m impressed with you work ethic as well. Just keep writing. Your bio says “it’s not something I’m particularly good at”; I’m pretty sure that’s just your own internal thoughts. I wouldn’t change that tho because the drive to improve comes from that feeling of wanting more. I ask you to remember this: while your internal voice tells you you need to be better, allow external voices (like myself and the others here) to offer compliments, let them in, accept them, allow them to inflate your ego a bit. Be proud of what you write even if you think it’s lousy. You’re creating entire worlds with words. World’s that some people will be longing to read about.
Got yourself a fan here.
Tim
Thank you :)
A fan? Why thank you! But yes, I do try to post on here as often as I can. I have a composition book that is filled to the brim with my writings. My main goal is to share all of that with people and to get their criticism on what to improve upon. If I could post more than once daily, my page would be filled haha. But I sit here, watching the clock, waiting till the next time I can post. I haven't been on this site for too long, but I really do enjoy sharing my work with everyone on here. Again, thank you for being a fan of my work :)
Thought-provoking title!
There's no need of saying more things about the poem.
Cat and Geezer have spoken excellently! Therefore, I am of the the same opinion of their critique.
Beautifully written!