Jackweb
Jackweb
Jun 22, 2022
This poem is part of the challenge:

Neopoet Random Challenge # 16 🏆 Winner

(Read More...)

MY FATHER ( RANDOM CHALLENGE #16

My lovely father,
you were something
of a benevolent despot.
When the days were young
every Tom, Dick and Harry
felt your goodness.
Your benignity born of
selfless devotions will
ever stay in the hearts
of the people that felt it.
You truly afforded
the decencies of life.
You lived an unpretentious
life with simplicity and modesty.
The sky you are the colors
of my life's rainbow.
Oh every time I look to the sky
I have got you in my mind.
You disciplined us and with
positive parenting.
Our heart's hold fast your words
even now and forever!

But when the dark cloud emerges
with terrible whirl wind,
fear and trembling was all over us.
When your health suddenly failed
and began to deteriorate,
we all felt stabbed in our heart!
Although medical treatments
sustained you for awhile
yet, you never made it.
Though many prayers were offered
on your behalf in provocation
of heaven's touch and healings.
But remember, your graciousness,
integrity you had established
on this earth you have left your footprint
on the sands of time.
Good bye dad
and have a sweet journey
till we meet and part no more.

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Imo State - Republic of Biafra(Nigeria), NGA

Favorite Poets: Late Christopher Okigbo

More from this author

Comments

Candlewitch

this piece is extraordinary with pure emotion! I really liked these lines:
Your benignity born of
selfless devotions will
ever stay in the hearts
of the people that felt it.
You truly afforded
the decencies of life.
You lived an unpretentious
life with simplicity and modesty.
The sky you are the colors
of my life rainbow.
Oh every time I look to the sky
I have got you in my mind.
You disciplined us and with
positive parenting.
Our heart hold fast your words
even now and forever!

they were hard to choose because the whole poem is very touching! there are a few rough spots. but if you read the poem out loud, I think you will hear them so they can be improved upon.
*hugs, Cat

Jackweb

I appreciate your comment.

You can as well pinpoint those lines. I think that will help better

Rosewood Apothecary

This a wonderful eulogy for a man whose positive qualities resound with every word in that first stanza. Your dad sounds like somebody I’d want to be around; someone who lifts the people around them up instead of tearing them down. I’m so very sorry you lost him but I’m glad you are writing and even more happy you’re sharing it.
I could offer some quick fix type stuff if you like? Things like verb tense and punctuation.

Keep writing, keep feeling
Tim

Candlewitch

here are some minor changes for you to try:

of my life rainbow. (life's)
Our heart hold fast your words (heart's)
yet, you never make it. (made instead of make)
Though many prayers was offered (were instead of was)
on this earth has left your footprint (on this earth you've left your foot print)

this is a stunningly loving testimonial, Onyinechi

*hugs, Cat

Jackweb

Check please. Hope am good to go!

M

I liked this write very much dear fellow poet! In this line...(I have got you in my mind) I might leave the word "got" out to be more correct in grammar. ~Sharon