There needs to be vanity,
Or a dark twist to the story.
A demon-angel, Michael
Basking in his glory.
Then there must be a
Wicked witch from the West.
She is beautiful, evil
And self-possessed.
If you delve deep into family
History, a hint of incest.
Its genetics altered
And unprocessed.
A deranged and crazy
Mother-in-law.
A daughter that dances
In the raw.
A crazy, twisted step
Mother.
A perverted, baby making
Older brother.
The cousin who has six kids,
Baby's daddy's unknown.
This shit is more twisted
Then The Twilight Zone.
We cannot forget about
A monster or a beast?
The older brother confessing
His sins to the local priest.
A young prince, dark,
Handsome and tall.
We need a gypsy lady
With a crystal ball.
This tainted bloodline,
Estranged family diversity.
Generations its riddled
With scandal and perversity.
The young prince, his father,
A man of color, a peasant.
It makes family gatherings,
A little unpleasant.
The queen ran off with a
Carpenter who has only one leg.
He is 67 years old, his seeds
Can't fertilize her egg.
The young prince is not
Like the rest.
He has aptitude, class and
A touch of finesse.
The young prince has a chance,
He must break away from the clan.
I need to hurry before,
The changing, from boy to man.
Turbo1904 ♥
Comments
I really like...
your story, and there are some really great lines here.
It may be just the way I'm reading it, but there seems to be a bit of
roughness to your stanzas following the first one, [which BTW is as perfectly metered as I can imagine].
If I may, I would like to offer some advice to smooth things out:
and [she's] self-possessed. add a beat
[to] family - shorten into, it reads better and the reader will know what you mean.
its' genetics [being] altered - add 2 beats
and thoroughly unprocessed - 2 beats
[There's] a deranged and crazy Mother-in-law
[Two daughters dancing] in the raw
[The] crazy twisted
step-mother
A perverted, peeping
older brother
Cousin It who has six kids
Baby's daddys all unknown
This shit has got more twisted
Then the Twilight Zone
I think that you can see, that to keep the rhythm, you may need to add or subtract beats
to your meter. Never be afraid to change or drop a word; or save a line that seems too good
to lose, for later or another time. [I often write down a line that I feel that way about].
And always read it aloud, you will see where the stumbles are.
As I have said; this piece is worth working on, to bring it into full blossom. ~ Geezer.
.
Hello Turbo!
Truly, I think taken Geezer's suggestions immediately would have brought this poem into bliss!
I have no other suggestions than his. I read your work and went through his perfect corrections and it deemed it fit.
Nicely written!
dear Turbo,
I agree with the others...this is my second reading of this piece, I was called away and didn't have time to comment. I really enjoy your work in general. so I try not to miss one!
*hugs, Cat
REPLY
Thanks Cat, I'm working on cleaning it up now. I loved the suggestions the guys gave me. A little revision. Thank you again>
Wishing you the best,
Turbo1904