Mr joghe
Mr joghe
May 17, 2022
This poem is part of the challenge:

Neopoet Challenge Contest # 15

(Read More...)

The Crossroad

He crossed the path on the lane
Made with iron and bricks like the step-ladder
At the Intersection, he crossed the Rubicon;
Pun…un! The sound came in a shock-wave,
Nearer and nearer it’s coming
With its big head like a Black Mamba
That swallowed the slaves and their lords
With their hope and dreams
From a faraway land.

He did know he couldn’t cross the path,
When it moved slowly on its cogwheel
With its heavy pregnancy
Until it died.

He walked into its head
And his body was lifted in pieces,
He picked it up to fix it
But his old self had gone;
Every time he saw the snake-vehicle,
It reminded him of his old self.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: For more understanding of the poem: the snake vehicle is referred to 'Train'.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Osun, NGA

Favorite Poets: William Wordsworth

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Comments

S

This poem has a lot of potential but two things might help. It is my understanding that random repetitions of the same word(s) in close proximity should be avoided and the first 3 lines used cross three times....perhaps changing crossroad to intersection would help. The second stanza is unclear in it's meaning at least to me. Since I can't determine it's meaning I can give no suggestions to clarify it. Last 3 lines of first stanza are excellent

Candlewitch

I have both your poem and our dear Scribbler's comment/critique, and I fully agree.

*hugs, Cat

Geezer

Geezer

2 years 11 months ago

that you have written your character off the scene, that he walked into the train and it killed him?
I am with Scribbler as to what the second stanza might mean. I think that you are saying that he knew that it would kill him if he walked into its' path, and did it deliberately? In the last part, he haunts the train? ~ Geezer.
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