Your love is an eclipse of lies where you've drawn
your MOUTH broadly spreads like a fire drone
your integrity is under the moon's surveillance
your heart streams with extravagance
this bricks of your negative attitude
shall set thee up in extreme magnitude
'cause you already dented your image,
now their heart is full of anger and rage!
when will you ever change for the better
and become a woman of pace setter?
time is fleeting, do not wait any more,
desire for self improvement ever more.
©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu
Comments
dear onyinyechi,
in s #1: Your love is eclipse of lies were you've drawn try: your love is (an) eclipse of lies (where)
l#2: your MOUTH broadly spreads like fire drone (a) fire drone.
#3: your integrity is under moon's surveillance: (the) moon's
this line: when will you ever change for (the) better
I like your title, simple yet elegant. the flow and language usage are good. you need a little help with your articles (words like a, the, an etc.) I really liked the premise on which your poem was built.
*hugs, Cat
Heart felt thanks!
I am working on it now. Good read Cat. Your critique always gives me satisfaction and confidence. I learn day by day through your constructive feedback. I can't thank you enough.
Since Cat has...
here first, there is not much for me to do.
She has given you the best advice one could give and makes me feel like
I have been too easy on you. Hopefully, you will take her counsel and
you will have a wonderful poem. Your title is good, the language use is too.
The flow from beginning to end was fairly smooth and taking Cat's advice will make it better. ~ Geez.
.
Alright Sir
I appreciate you so much. And I have already followed her instructions.
dear Onyinyechi,
good work! smooth as a baby's bottom! >{^*;*^}<
*hugs, Cat
Hilarious!
"Smooth as baby's bottom". Haha., Thank you so much.
Hilarious!
"Smooth as baby's bottom". Haha., Thank you so much.
you are always very welcome!
you are always very welcome!
*hugs, Cat