Jackweb
Jackweb
Apr 13, 2022

CHARGED BEAUTY

Like a staring sunrise,
dazzling beauty wise,

a beauty so rare,
many eyes will dare,

your color kisses the sun,
and the sun arise and run,

for avoiding infidelity ruin
your elegancy brightens the moon,

like a shimmering waters of blue beach,
I will swim in your love as I closely reach.

what a gem you are to me,
you seem to be immersed in beauty and that is a fine thing to be!

I'm emotionally suspended waiting to see
more of your brightness as you steadily shine
I'm now a worshiper of your presence - a beauty shrine!

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Imo State - Republic of Biafra(Nigeria), NGA

Favorite Poets: Late Christopher Okigbo

More from this author

Comments

Candlewitch

this is my favorite line of your poem:

"what a sparkling quill you seem to be,"
you seem to be immersed in beauty and that is a fine thing to be!

*hugs, Cat

Jackweb

Should I change the line entirely " What a sparkling quill you seem to be" and replace it with your suggestion?

Your advice please!

Ray Whitaker

you are determined to show Love. Very refreshing!

I like the couplets form a lot. it's not too long, either, some poems go on and on [I'm guilty of this too] and this one makes its point without bedraggling.

suggestions:
S3- having a hard time getting this. the sun gives me a fantastic brightness, not necessarily a color, and the rhyme seems a bit forced.
S4- in American english the pronunciation of "ruin" and "moon" don't rhyme. This is a small thing, tho.

as afore-mentioned, reading a poem so enriched in loving Lif is very refreshing!

Ray Whitaker

sometimes poets have an committed ownership of a piece...

I'd rather you select the lines for your piece. You have a great talent for doing this. My suggestions are simply made as that: suggestions.

You are doing it right, if I may be so bold as to assert that.

Candlewitch

you could replace this line: "what a sparkling quill you seem to be," with ( what a gem you are to me) it is just a suggestion.

*hugs, Cat

Jackweb

Your suggestion is taken. I even prefer it. Thank you once more for reading again