Jackweb
Jackweb
Apr 11, 2022

BEAUTY FLASH

Why is a woman's shapely figure
set for spotlight
their attraction gives
a great aesthetic pleasure
I'm now staring
a lissome scintillating lass
in a bank lobby
my eyes began to survey
I'm now taking mental photographs
capturing all her body features
her symmetrical beauty attracts my vision
I love everything about her
I'm now emotionally suspended
love hanging in the thin air
a summary of love and lust

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Imo State - Republic of Biafra(Nigeria), NGA

Favorite Poets: Late Christopher Okigbo

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

just a couple of changes I'd like to see you make.
I don't think that the word you want is [glaring] the word is usually associated with anger.
maybe, you might use [staring]?

How about instead of using [premises], you use lobby?

Instead of using [symmetry beauty attacks my visibility] try:

Her symmetrical beauty attracts my vision.

Leave out the line [yet I extol her virtues all around her]
it doesn't add anything to the poem. Maybe say: I love everything about her.

[thin air].

The rest is fine, and I think that your title is good, the rhythm and pace just so and it flows well from beginning to end.
~ Geez.
.

Jackweb

Thank you so much Geezer!

Geezer

I'm glad to see that you paid attention and made some changes. ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

it is good to see that you employed Geezer's change suggestions. good title, on this poem of attraction. it flows well and the language usage is good. these are my favorite lines:

I love everything about her
I'm now emotionally suspended
love hanging in the thin air
a summary of love and lust

good work!

*hugs, Cat

Jackweb

Ever since I encounter you in neopoet I am becoming more better in poetry. You are the over all eyes that sees here. Or should I use this metaphorical statement... " The sky eagle that always sees from afar! Your mastery of English usage in poetry is second to none. There's no correction given to me here will I ever take for granted.

Secondly, Cat you're also on the same page with geezer. Even whenver you first gave your corrections Geezer has nothing to object. Your intellectual chemistry truly are the same. I use this medium to say, thank you so much for your precious time to give corrections. Not everyone can do that here.
My regards!

Candlewitch

so very happy that I can help you. in helping you I am learning how to critique poetry. I really enjoy your poems...and to be put in a category with Geezer is a very strong compliment for which I thank you! keep on writing!

*hugs, Cat

Ray Whitaker

You have described a woman who has a body of perfection and truth. You randy guy, you! HAHA

nice work here. I hope you are describing your wife, or if not, then hope that she never reads this...

Jackweb

She doesn't go through my poems. Ray you nailed it. That just it. But I'm not a randy man. As a poet you know; we express our feelings at any point in time. Thank you Ray

Ray Whitaker

and chose the word "randy" as I thought it more "English [UK] english" than horney! Sex is difficult to write about in poems, I think,

I meant no offense, my friend!