Neopet Random Challenge # 14

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Voicemail from the Grave

darkness around and wet ground
seems that I'll never be found
no one remembers my face or my name
I have no wish, no thoughts and no aim
only cold blood there is in my veins
my heart isn't broken and it isn't in chains
I'm free to start my own life again
I think this will be an interesting game
new chances, new paths, new roads ahead
I am real for the future, for the past l'm dead
I feel the power of night and the power of moon
but unluckily the sunrise is coming to soon

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Odessa,Ukraine, UKR

Comments

Oh,thank you.I will try to

Oh,thank you.I will try to work more with this poem.

I like this...

of course, I've always liked the macabre. I see where Mark gets a bit confused, but I understand where you are going with this. I'm thinking that you are saying that your new [life] is a new game, full of different direction than a mortal life. There are some restrictions of course, and one of them being that you must be safe from the daylight. Here's what I would say about a couple of lines.

I am [now] for the future, for the past I am dead.
I feel the power of night and of the moon.
It's unfortunate that sunrise comes way too soon.
Capitalize all your I not just some of them.
If this is for the Random Challenge, use your title this way: "Voicemail from the Grave" then if you wish, your title
and go to the dropdown and click Random Challenge # 14. You will be sure to get a certificate that says you have completed a Random Challenge, which you can print out and hang on your wall and show to friends and family.

Other than that, I think it's a good job. ~ Geezer.
.

Thank you Geezer!

Thank you Geezer!
I tried some of your ideas.
And thank you for your thoughts and words.

Nice composition

I feel the mood of this piece!

The last line: "but unluckily the sunrise is coming to soon"
This line envision the total awakening of the dead when rapture shall take place. I just pictured the imagery in this line. Sunrise is a new dawn for the coming of the Lord Jesus to bring out those who was dead many years ago.

Beautiful!