Jackweb
Jackweb
Apr 12, 2022

MY HEARTTHROB

In me thou sees the light of such a day,
'cause I'm your heartthrob I always pray,
I set up my vision for the right angle,
looking forward like a flying eagle.

do not grumble about my delay,
for in thee our love is born this day,
we're like shooting stars moving forward,
don't relent or bend in the way of the froward.

love is not the way it looks and shiny,
I'm real; even my conscience testifies a tiny
truth without validation of real evidence;
for in us the Lord shall take preeminence.

I promise, guilty conscience shall never stand,
we're the two lover-birds anticipating to land.
never mind waves gliding day by day,
if we settle down, let understanding stay.

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Imo State - Republic of Biafra(Nigeria), NGA

Favorite Poets: Late Christopher Okigbo

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

that I would make:

In me thou sees the [light] of such a day

this relationship shall never dangle - delete [that]

do not grumble [delete mutter] about my delay

for in thee our love is born this day

we're like shooting star[s] moving forward [add an ess]

never mind waves [gliding day by day]

when we settle down, let understanding stay

I like your title, your language use is getting better
and the logic is good from beginning to end.
I think with a few changes, that it will smooth out.
~ Geez.

Geezer

for you to remove just the word [that], not the whole line.
Sorry for the misunderstanding. ~ Geezer.
.

Candlewitch

just follow Geezer's instruction and you will smooth out your poem, which is quite good!

*hugs, Cat

Jackweb

Both of you! I will do as you rightly said. Thank you so much Geezer and Cat.

S

A lot of the words are almost Olde English but that's OK. But angle and eagle are pretty far apart as far as rhyme goes. Enjoyed the read

Jackweb

I used it intentionally. Thanks for spotting the line
; eagle & angle