KINGZOMBIE
KINGZOMBIE
Feb 18, 2011

"A Tree"

The seedling sprouts, it bursts through ground,
silently growing, never making a sound.
First is the stem, then comes the leaves,
now watch a seedling, growing amongst trees.
In its lush green meadow, a trickling stream,
its roots swarm to the water, its elixir, its dream.
Small animals calling its branches their home,
as it hears insects wings drone.
Still standing silent, never making a sound,
content in its world, content in the ground.
It listens to songbirds singing away,
then it turns winter and the songbirds don't stay.
Nude and alone, dealing with winters decay,
its branches are broken and at its roots they lay.
spring finally arrived and this tree wishes for rain,
but it found a thunderstorm, and now it knows pain.
The lightening struck, splitting its core,
then caught fire, it screamed, it pleaded no more.
After a while came some sort of man,
he wore a helmet, and had an chainsaw in hand.
He pulled at a string, and watched the saw come alive,
it ate at its trunk, it wouldn't survive.
It started to sway, while its trunk groaned,
it fell over then crashed, on its once quiet home.
It lays on its side and is cut into logs,
it now feeds the flame, and silently sobs.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Maryland, USA

Favorite Poets: I have many favorite poets but I like Poe the most.I would also feel wrong if I didn't include music to this also

More from this author

Comments

KINGZOMBIE

I just hope you all give me a chance and are able to see the picture I'm painting under the rough.

S

I enjoyed this sketch of a tree's biography. Welcome to the site. Just holler at any here if you need help........scribbler

Psyve

Psyve

14 years 2 months ago

Interesting poem.

I can see you were going for rhyme and a more classical form of meter, which is great from my own point of view because I am a lyricist myself... both rhyme and meter are very important to me.

The poem feels a little rough currently, but I see that you know that: If I had advice to offer, it might be to try to retain the present tense throughout... you moved into the past tense midway thru and it sort of tripped me up, in terms of the flow...

Anyway, good to see you here and welcome to Neopoet.

Psyve

KINGZOMBIE

I have been toying with rhyme quite a bit lately.I also really appreciate your advice, thanks again.

Candlewitch

It is so good to see you here! I have one suggestion with this line:

The seedling sprouts it bursts threw ground,

"threw" should be "through"

The pain of a tree is a very unique and interesting concept. I like what you have done with it.

always, Cat

A

Arrow

14 years 2 months ago

I like the story and think it's told well.

My primary suggestions would be to:

1. Closely review your grammar. For example:

The seedling sprouts it bursts threw ground,
(You have two related independent clauses here so: The seedling sprouts; it bursts (through) ground,)
silently growing never making a sound.
(silently growing, never making a sound.)
First is the stem, then comes the leaves,
("Leaves" is plural so you need "come" not "comes". Also, here I might use parallel structure:
First comes the stem; then come the leaves.)
after a while the seedling becomes trees.
(A seedling, I think, becomes one tree, not multiple trees so:
after a while, the seedling becomes a tree or something like that)

2. Be sure to know the definitions and connotations of words. For example,
the word "sob" indicates noise, which makes the last line problematic.

I'll be interested to re-read this if you revise it.

KINGZOMBIE

I am actually a past member here and thanks for the welcome, I appreciate all the suggestions and help with my errors, a big thanks to you all:-)