The spirit gathers in the privacy of my senses.
My eyes catch only a glimpse as my pupils dilate
to the reality of the light emitted with such sheer precision.
Off the record and sworn to secrecy,
the moment of contact often leaves me
euphorically sedated.
A faint whisper, or that of a rustling imaginative echo,
embraces my curiosity as I plead with my surroundings,
"What do you want?"
The paralysis of thought and limb
weigh heavily upon my tormented duty.
Even with my mind eager to connect
to conscious elevation, my skin
crawls with fear and anticipation.
Frigid fingers ride bare-back
upon the doubts of my reasoning.
My thoughts, infantile in comparison
to ideals of abstract logic,
conjure allurement of death-gripped beauty.
I am eager to share the virginity of my ego
with that of yesterday's last breath--
I repeat, "What do you want."
A lock of my hair is moved aside,
as lips I cannot see rest gently against my ear,
"To live."
Comments
Hello Tracey,
Welcome to Neopoet.
I see that you have requested raw truth.
I like that.
It means you want an honest, no-holds-barred critique. So, here it comes...
I really do like this poem a lot. Particuarly the theme, the internal question and answer, and your physical and emotional reaction in anticipation of the answer. A lot of poems of this nature become rather trite, not to mention self-indulgent, but you have managed to avoid these pitfalls with skill and thought, as can be seen in your writing.
Structure is extemely importand, in free-verse poetry. The structure here is excellent, focusing the reader on just the right things at the right time.
My only serious criticism is your word-use. You use to many - words, I mean - and this makes some of the lines in your poem a bit verbose. I think it would be a good idea, for you to go over this poem line by line, and ask two questions:
1. Is the word I am reading really neccessary?
And 2. Can I say the same thing on this line, using less words, without diminishing either the emotional impact, or the meaning?
It's difficult to do. I know from personal experience, because my own style of writing is often more than a little wordy, and I have to really edit things a lot to get it right! But it can be done, and I look forward to reading your edited version of this poem.
Good stuff, keep it coming.
Thanks!
That you for your insight. It is much appreciated.
dear Tracey,
I cannot say it any better than my friend, Race has. he gives excellent advice! if you follow it, you won't go wrong. I like the poem and where you can go with it. very nice!
*hugs, Cat
Well...
you have three votes of good work and maybe a little too wordy! I agree with the analysis by both of my fellow poets. Try as Race has said and see where this can go. ~ Good luck, Geezer.
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