I stay near her,
silent as a grave,
none will rescue
her soul to save.
in her footsteps
I closely follow,
my heart is beating
ever so hollow.
a path through the park
she often will take,
moon and stars light the way
safety she 'oft forsakes.
ever, they tell her
"slow down, have a care
see who's around you
make sure you're aware."
foolish young lass
out looking for trouble,
will find it for sure
and that on the double!
Comments
Sounds like...
eddy is on the job! I love the title...
and the story is great!
but, I think that you might smooth it out a bit with a
couple of changes; I find that every so often there are certain words
that interrupt the rhythm of a rhyme when used in the middle of a verse
and it seems to have occurred here. I have taken the liberty of
rewriting some lines while trying to keep the idea of them.
my heart [is] beating
[a] path through the park
she often takes
stars light the way
being safe she forsakes
[ever], they tell her
"slow down, have a care
see what's around you
make sure you beware"
a foolish [young] lass
out looking for trouble
will find it [for sure]
and that on the double!
Of course, as always, this is your work, and you can find your own
way to write these lines. I am never offended when someone tells me
to piss-off! LoL ~ Geez.
.
dear Geez,
I would never tell you to "Piss off"!
I really do appreciate all the time and effort that you put into your responses to my (and other poets) works. I think I implemented all your changes. if you think of more please let me know :)
ever, eddy
*hugs, Cat
I'm glad...
to be of any possible help. I really like this one! It smacks of evil intent and makes one want to stay under the streetlights! LoL
~ Geez.
.
dear Mark,
thanks for the read, catch and the comment!
*hugs, Cat
*