I was hanging on tightly
to what you were just passing through
I found comfort in fleeting things
because they were more predictable
than your peregrine heart
You still don’t know what love means
to those who have to push it down,
hoping the light from the surface
won’t break over them
Last Few Words: Love, the eternal poetry prompt - LOL! Tightened up an earlier piece - thanks!
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Your title is good...
The rhythm or pattern is barely discernable, due to the shortness of the work, but if I were to say so, I found it adequate for the job. It seems to me, that you wanted to get a word in edgewise and adopted a blurting out, to achieve your goal, and it kind of adds to the piece. The theme is one of those that lets you know how unhappy that the writer is of a situation, and I found that I was rooting for the writer. I was just the tiniest bit disappointed in the length, but in the end, I found it worked for it.
~ Geezer.
Thanks Geez, always
Thanks Geez, always appreciate your thoughts! I've always felt that having "Rhythm" as a specific check box to be a bit troublesome, given Mr. Webster lists at least half a dozen or more meanings or uses for the word (I usually don't check it). That being said, the meaning of rhythm I think that is fitting for this piece is "variation marked by the regular recurrence or natural flow of related elements." Given this is about heartbreak with a touch of bitterness, it seems to me that all 3 stanzas are related by those elements. Many of my poems start out much longer, but I almost always pare them down to focus the message or thoughts, but maybe I missed the mark here. Thanks again!
I do agree...
as I said, it does manage to get the message across! My only comment that actually was a tiny bit critical, was that it seems too short to actually have any rhythm. I thought that even the shortness works for it. ~ Geez.
.
I hear you Geez. Your
I hear you Geez. Your comments ALWAYS give me food for thought, and are always welcome. Didn't mean to sound defensive.
Best
You still don’t know what love means
HOW like minded folk's minds work
You may scan my poem
PERCEPTION OF LOVE IS DIFFERENT
JUST POSTED
If you change
peregrine to albatross, it would tie in with the last stanza and the title. 2cents
Thomas
Thanks Ray and T! Your
Thanks Ray and T! Your comments are always welcome. I used peregrine because it tied in to the title, and the reason for the heartache vibe of the poem (peregrine falcons are known for their "wandering" travels, or commitment to something, if you will. Also, "A tendency to wander" is listed as the meaning of the word when used by itself, according to Mr. Webster.
Although, albatross is intriguing as well... hmmm...
Best
Dang!
I thought you were making reference to the bird. I learned something today.
Cheers!
Thomas
Wow!
so succinct, so full of imagery!
I have to agree with Thomas, peregrine could use some fine tuning.