The drum will not cease;
the dread does increase.
A palpable state so familiar.
The thrum and the drone
(under ribs; collarbone)
replaces my breath. Faith a cinder.
Little sips to keep afloat
Life is lodged in my throat
My body demands resolution.
In my bunker, still not safe.
Threats are not in real space.
Siren songs start to offer oblivion.
Last Few Words: Dark topic, indeed. I wanted to explore this as anxiety and depression sometimes rear their heads. The act of creation is a gift from above. Casting light on the shadows is the way.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Very interesting, like the somatic approach
So may poems seem to be most cerebral. I like the way you have placed the body in conjunction with the feel of things. Holistic!
I have two suggestions, please only use them if you see fit….
“Little sips to keep float,”. I’d make float into “afloat”
“Bunker down still not safe.” I’d put “in my” in front of bunker. That does change the rhythm tho, so you may not like that one…
Thanks Ray
I originally had "afloat" but changed it to bring the rhythm into tight formation. But you are right, it should be "afloat" I think it can handle that extra syllable in pursuit of clarity.
And I'll take your second suggestion for a test drive as well. I think it's a good one, though the rhythm changes a wee bit.
It's all about Body/Mind/Spirit
Haha
Fixed by adding a syllable to the next line... so simple so easy
Sometimes I have
good ideas... sometimes they are just ideas...
Glad to be of assistance.
I was wondering about the "siren songs". what do you mean here?
This would be the darkest of thoughts...
The siren song that makes you consider a drink or drug, or worse as being an attractive option to make the pain stop.
This marches...
across the page in full view without fear as dark thoughts often do. I like the way you have named this fear and tried to banish it by shining the light in its' face. Your rhyme and near-rhyme give this piece a good beat and the title is apt, nice job! ~ Geezer.
.
hello, nice to meet you!
I have to admit, I don't understand the title. in this area I am ignorant. but I do recognize a great poem when I see one! your imagery is a body of intensified pain and suffering. I feel it in the pits of Hell.
always. Cat & eddy styx
p.s.
eddy styx is my alter ego. He writes dark poetry and he loves this poem!
Nice to meet you too Candlewitch :)
The title refers basically to the experience of the body. Somatic Experiencing is a therapy technique that focuses on the body / nervous system / reptilian brain / fight, flight, freeze response as it relates to past trauma
thank you,
for the explanation, I am now enlightened. I appreciate this.
*hugs, Cat