Jackweb
Jackweb
Jan 02, 2022

The uncertainty

Darkness looms,
with feel of horrible-
the stars, the half moon
stand at bay
courting together
and fear darkened and
drops log of horror.

betwixt the night;
the witch doctor manifested
casting his prudent spell
incantations, invocations
now the ceremony of the night.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Imo State - Republic of Biafra(Nigeria), NGA

Favorite Poets: Late Christopher Okigbo

More from this author

Comments

Triskelion

..has the potential to make my hair stand on end, but there are some grammatical changes you need to make to bring the stew to a boil.

Thomas

Triskelion

..it is poetry, not all grammatical rules apply, but here are two basic rules in the english language that can help avoid confusion in your readers.
1. Adjectives usually go with nouns. L2 is an example
"feel of horrible" would read "feelings of horror" "horrible feelings"
2. Tenses need to agree. L6,7 is an example
"and fear darkened and
drops log of horror" "darkened" and "drops" are conflicting. would read "fear darkens and drops" "fear darkened and dropped"
...and there are other ways to edit those lines to be grammatically correct which involve punctuation and other rules which govern the english language.

L7 makes me chuckle. "Log" I presume means "record" here, but I can't help but envision someone having a shit and a mummified komodo dragon or something comes out of his ass.
Like a newspaper headline.."AFRICAN BUSH MAN DROPS LOG OF HORROR!"
I would suggest changing "log" to something else, unless you intended my interpretation. At least for an english speaking audience.
I don't really have much time on my hands, but I enjoy your writing style and would like to help you improve at the english level.

Thomas

Jackweb

... ignore these comments. Screen issues I guess. I will reply as soon as possible.