Viviana Smith
Viviana Smith
Nov 06, 2021

Song Help

I'm writing a song and I kinda got stuck halfway through
I need a title and I need more ideas
you can post your thoughts and song ideas in the comments
and it's ok if you change the whole song
here it is

I standstill as the chaos swirls around me
I feel ill like a hole in this story
I don't mind if nobody seems to notice me
but when he looks at me

I walk home through a crowd full of strangers
they don't know that I'm filled with these dangers
I don't mind that nobody seems to notice me
but when he looks at me

I can't stand this feeling
don't understand, what is happening
gone through life never felt this way
but now he's gone and took my heart away

what is wrong with this green-eyed boy
can't he see that I'm not his toy
my heart's not another game to play
but he still played it anyway

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I like the theme of my heart being a game I kinda want to start my second verse out with His name's top on the scoreboard in my heart I'm not supprised his smile's a work of art tell me if it fits or not I feel like I need to change the first verse though

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Texas USA

Favorite Poets: Shel Silverstein

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

Sorry that this isn't one of my best efforts, but
I'm working through some health issues.
If there are things you can use here; have at it!
I love helping you. I'll be looking in on you and seeing how things are going.
I'll be thinking about titles.

The emotions that swirl
through this sweet little girl
when you look at me
Are nothing to compare
what my heart only dares

I love when you look at me

Strangers barely glance
when my feet dance
And I'm ecstatic with joy
with this green-eyed boy

I love when you look at me

Alone, in the crowd
with my head bowed
I can't stand this feeling
that sends my heart reeling

You used to look at me

~ Geez.
.

Viviana Smith

This is amaaaaazing!!
I really like how you changed it!!
Im so sorry about your health issues! If you need anything just tell me.
I will always be here and ill keep you in my prayers!!
I feel like this is turning too much into a beautiful poem instead of the headbanging song i wanted it
to be, but it would make a great poem. Im trying to get more inspiration for my next verses and i like
some of the verses you wrote! Thanks so much for your input, it always helps!!

Viviana Smith

I really like this, ill find a part to put it in, but i think i have a different idea for the chorus
i will def use it in my song tho!

Ray Whitaker

I think this should be a Santana song, or maybe Dire Straights. Solid rocker music anyway. I can hear a fantastic bass guitar solo in between the next to the last stanza and the last stanza. Only suggestion is to eliminate the second “me” (s2, L3&4), well maybe add another stanza speaking to having your heart being involuntarily used. I don’t think this is a country song, tho.

Viviana Smith

Yes, everytime i sing it i hear the guitar and the drums beating in the background
this is my baby so im really taking care of it
i appreciate your help and input! :)

Abby

Abby

3 years 5 months ago

Maybe Green-Eyed Chaos as a title? Or maybe Chaotic Heart? Something like that.

Viviana Smith

You are always useful. Even when it doesn't feel like it. God has a plan for you and all you have to do is fulfill it. Maybe it was to help me with my song title. Remember YOU ARE LOVED!!
(sorry to go all pastory on you but this is who I am) :)