I am hungry but my
Meal hides in the moment.
Fear siphons power to play
War games without consent.
I am bunkered in the crippling confines
of a broken nervous system.
Why can't I lift Thor's hammer
To forge an escape?
Worthiness requires capacity
In this callous world.
God I'm so tired!
Freeze to survive is what I do.
A breath tips me forward,
Please don't trip.
This fucking treadmill !
I am starving but my
Salvation hides in the moment.
Comments
Thanks Mark, I agree.
Thanks Mark, I agree. Punctuation added :-)
I changed "Frigid" to "Infernal" in line 3
and "cold" to "callous" in line 8.
I felt that "Freeze" in line 10 should not have competition with previous words.
Hey Mark, I did a partial
Hey Mark, I did a partial rewrite of it. Take a look.
Somewhat redolent of "The Who
Somewhat redolent of "The Who" lyrics!
Its a side step from the norm,
non of it makes any sense whatsoever
and yet,,,,,,,,,,,,, it works!
Well done mate.
Obi.
Thanks Obi — got Pete’s
Thanks Obi — got Pete’s number by chance? Maybe he’ll want to collaborate…
Jamie
'fraid not, but he has me on
'fraid not, but he has me on speed dial should he feel the need !
Obi.
'fraid not, but he has me on
'fraid not, but he has me on speed dial should he feel the need !
Obi.
Shit,,,, got me stu,,,stu,,, stutter!
I like the...
down the rabbit-hole approach to the challenge. Like Alice on steroids, it charges ahead with electricity from the treadmill.
~Geezer.
.
Thank you Geezer
My world is exhausting, but I soldier on... lol
Hiya mate.
Hiya mate.
Just a thought, but you might try leaving the original posting of the piece as it is, then, post any alterations/edits in the comments section, that way a reader can follow the evolution of it,,,,,,, just a thought !
Obi.
Thanks Mark
Might be close...
Gotta say I appreciate the support and guidance of this site.
Just added two lines... Hey
Just added two lines... Hey look -- I am writing a longish poem!
Hey Obi
I posted and early version below -- for a more thorough play by play, readers can click Revisions and get the full monty, yeah?
Early version
I am hungry but my
Meal hides in the moment
Frigid memory traps
Circle my glass house
Can’t lift the war hammer
To let myself out
Capacity equals worthiness
This cold cruel world
God I’m fucking tired!
Freeze to survive is what I do.
Pray and breathe deep until
I lean and stumble forward
On the treadmill.
A more recent version
I am hungry but my
Meal hides in the moment.
Fear siphons power to play
War games without consent
Bunkered in the crippling confines
of a broken nervous system
Can't lift Thor's hammer
To forge an escape.
Worthiness requires capacity
In this callous world.
God I'm so tired!
Freeze to survive is what I do.
A breath tips me forward,
Please don't trip.
This fucking treadmill !
I am starving but my
Salvation hides in the moment