O Kypris slow
The night between us
For Love's vision
Has journeyed so far
Place your lips
To every cavern of my body
Let the rites burn
O Lady turn back the sun
With your
Unearthly beauty
If my beloved must remain
In Afroditi's shade
Let her shadow then come
To drink from my vineyard
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Well...
I'm not sure about your title, but it drew me in, so I guess it works.
Your language use is okay and it suits the pacing of the lines.
The theme is a bit soggy, but works well.
One typo [Afroditi]- should be Aphrodite.
~ Geez.
.