Lee
Lee
May 18, 2021

Fly Away With Me

Come and fly away with me, take a journey
lets see the stars, and touch the sky
lets just fly away
and never look back

come and fly away with me, don't you trust me?
just reach into my capsule
lets wonder the cosmos in my yellow rocket ship
have you ever been to mars?
its better than here
with him

come fly away with me mommy
Won't you come and blast through galaxies
travel lightyears
don't you love me?
just trust me mommy
he cant hurt us
not in my yellow rocket ship

so come and fly away with me mommy
we'll be safe
in outer space
with my little yellow rocket ship
and you to keep me safe

fly away
and be happy
i love you mommy
won't you come
and fly away with me?

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Region, Country: Polk, USA

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

Geezer

3 years 11 months ago

that you have not gained much in the way of critique here on this site. I think that is what you mean by Neopoet has not done you any favors. I am glad that you feel like that. There is a price to pay for getting critique and suggestions to make your work better! You have to return the favor! I am trying hard to get that across to people here. Of course, there are those that just want someone to say that "Oh, this is soooo good, I've never read anything like it, you don't need any help, but I don't think that is you. I do not know how so many of your works got by me, without critique. Unless I was sick and in the hospital.
However, if you will commit to giving at least one critique of another's work, for every poem you post, I will promise to give you my best effort.

1] You need apostrophes in [Let's]
2] Use capitals where they should be used. I know, that is the 'Advent Garde' thing these days, but it seems lazy to me.
3] Your title is okay, but maybe a bit bland, not something that jumps out at you and drags one in.
4] I like the child-like wording and the effect is good.
5] Your pacing is good and makes it seem like you are struggling to find the right words to convince Mommy.
6] The theme is one that resonates with many people and has no trouble holding my interest.
7] Your logic is good and the theme flows well.
~ Geezer.
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