When a crisp wind blows through the blue
and flings my hair up to kiss my face
it brings the smell of salt, and a faint memory too
the ocean sprayed its tangy taste
but its smell was syrupy sweet
I had laid my head on my beautiful boy
smelling his sweaty scent
though it was brackish it was somehow comforting
just like the ocean's breeze
I ran my hand through his luscious hair
bringing wondrous and curious scents
There was the slight smell of the juiciest oranges
and a grimy wift of dirt
it also brought that pleasant scent
that one can never describe
it makes you feel just full of love
like you could spread your wings and fly
but I snuggle down into my lovable dog
and into dreams of his wonderful aroma
and everytime I smell the ocean sweet but salty scent
I think back to that lovely day
when the smells of my love brought me sleep
Apr 05, 2021
This one lovely day
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This day was a while ago. I think I was about 10. I was on a campout with my family. We went to the beach and I fell asleep on my dog. Yes he really did smell like oranges and dirt and sweat, but I remember that day very vividly because it was the only day i had naturally fallen asleep.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
it is soft music kinda
only if you could stanzifya
self
lovely boy
and happy dog
merci
music will be juicy
im confused
Your supposed to think its a boy boy in the beginning and be surprised its a dog
how silly of me
a boy dog
I too could be
but sadly in my next birth if any
VIVI
you have an incredible creation
I need a poetic condemnation
grant me
for my silliocity
kindly
I did think...
that it was a boy at first, but some of the language gave me the clue! I was thinking about it being a dog and had some great memories of lying next to my dog after a nice walk by the river. Thank you! a [whiff] of dirt. Nice stuff! ~ Geez.
.
This One Lovely Day
Hello, Viviana,
You have awakened the senses, especially the sense of smell! I feel the ocean breeze, I can taste the saltiness, see the invigorating blueness, hear all the happy chatter, and certainly most of all, smell everything - the citrus, the sweatiness (is that a word?) the fresh sea air. One lovely day, indeed! Fun!
Thank you!
L
Lovely poem. I also thought
Lovely poem. I also thought it was a boy, at first...lol. Your writing appeals to all the senses with original imagery. I love dogs, so I can relate to your words. The smell of their fur is nice!
Your language use is exceptional, the title is fine as well and so is the spacing.
Enjoyed, Gracy
Hello
The great majority of imagery is visual so it's really nice to see smell used
Vivi
That's my first time to meet you here and your poetic delivery.
Exquisite! Your command of using beautiful imageries creates sense of poetic proficiency.
Nice piece!
My regards!
From Jackwebb