The archers of war
are yet the archers of love
Love has taxed the hearts
of gods and kings
Achilles has slain no less
than Eros
the path of all lovers
leads to the plain of suffering
drink wine to excess
drink me mad o god of the dances
for the wine of living
is of the same vineyard
as the wine of the dead
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
“You never know how the loss
“You never know how the loss will come -- whether he will lose you or you him, but it is a certainty that there will be a shattering involuntary separation." --Safer
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I like all the stanzas but feel like there are too many which express the same idea. The fourth is probably my least favorite because it seems the one that most explains the theme rather than demonstrating the theme. I do like the last stanza! I don't know about the title. For me, it doesn't add anything but maybe I don't know the history or the myth well enough. The draft is beautifully tight but I wish it were even tighter.